Ella
by Floofeymarshmallow
Summary: Ella and her identical twin brother, Alphonse, are as close as can be-until an accident takes Al's life. It pushes their mother over the edge. Desperate to keep her son "alive", Trisha forces Ella to cut her hair wear boy clothes and take on Al's identity
1. Truly Perfect

****I revised it, and it's much longer? Dontcha think? :)****

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><p><p>

My twin brother and I had always looked after each other. We were true twins to the soul. Though, if I had it my way, I would spend most of my day brushing my long golden hair. I loved my hair, it was the only thing I knew my mother couldn't take away from me.

My mother never let Alphonse and I watch television, or read magazines. She said that it would poison our minds, and it was better if we didn't watch or read that. The only times that Al and I went into town, was when we went with our father. Which, we hardly did.

My mother had her way with every single thing I did. She said that if I wasn't nice to my brother, I wouldn't be with the spiritual ancestors that we should love so much. I told Mommy I wanted to be with our spiritual ancestors. Of course, she smiled and said that I would have to play nicely with my brother.

So, I took Alphonse outside and he wanted to play castles and dragons. I was always the mean dragon, and he would be the knight. I didn't dislike it, I loved playing with my brother. I just wished he was a bit more mature is all.

I awoke with a small jump. I hated waking up alone. Technically, I wasn't alone, though. Alphonse and I shared a room, we always have since we were born.

We had a quaint little closet in which we shared with moderately sized bedroom. It was alright for someone to share with, though it wasn't too large.

I went to the bathroom and changed into a buttercup yellow dress, and began to brush my golden blonde hair. It was slightly curly, a mix between curly and wavy. My brother had the same hair color, though it was straight since it was so short. We both had golden eyes which we inherited from out father.

Our father also had golden hair, though it was slightly darker from age. Our father's hair was long, and always kept in a pony-tail.

I walked downstairs to the breakfast table. Alphonse was already seated and he was eating oatmeal with jam on toast. Mommy was at the stove, continuing to cook breakfast for her and I.

I sat down at the table, and ate what was served to me moments later. We had assigned seats that my mother made us use. I didn't care, I liked having assigned seats. It made me feel like I had something that was mine that no one could take away besides my hair.

"Mommy, can I go fishing today?" Alphonse asked. Mommy looked at him with a smile.

"Of course. Ella, you'll have to go fishing with your brother today." My mother said. I nodded. I was used to have to go with him everywhere. When you have a twin, you get used to never being alone.

My father came out from his upstairs room, announcing his leave. "I'm off to work now," My father kissed my mother, ruffled Al's hair, and stroked my cheek. I thought everyone in my house was truly happy.

Alphonse and I had gone fishing. I didn't catch anything, as usual. I was never a good fisher, Alphonse was the best though. He ran to my mother excited to show her what he caught. I just trailed behind him with my head down.

I was happy, I guess.

Another year passed. By this time, I was six years old. This was an age that I knew would be the happiest. It probably was my happiest, now that I think about it.

I was quietly eating breakfast at the dining table. Alphonse was sitting across from me, and my mother was cleaning in the kitchen. She had never cleaned a lot, I hardly made a mess. Though, I couldn't say the same for Al. He had always been a little messy. My father then walked from his study to see us. He had plans for that day.

"The mall? Darling, are you feeling alright? You know I don't like it when the children leave the house too much." Mommy said. I knew she hated it when she left. She had always said that people could not be trusted, and we were safer in our own homes.

"They have plenty of things there. Besides, I want to buy the kids something," Daddy said. This made me excited. I loved it when Daddy gave me gifts, which he never ceased to do.

"Alright, alright. I think I know just the place." Mommy said. "Children, get dressed in proper clothes. We're going to the mall." she said. And with that, we were both charging up the stairs to get dressed. I heard my mother say something about how we were going to break our legs as we ran up the stairs. A sigh emitted from her before she cleaned our breakfast dishes.

My mother began to get dressed herself. She always said that even though you should dislike speaking with people outside of our safety field, you should always look presentable. It was one of the rules in our household to look presentable, and we always did. Father drove us in his truck to the mall.

When we got there, I couldn't believe how much I had never seen before. It was amazing, I couldn't take my eyes off of the clothing that girls wore. My clothes didn't look like that, they were preservative, though other clothes showed people's navels, and had skirts shorter than knee length.

Mother dragged us off to a shop with a man there. His name was Mr. Bogart, or at least that's what he said. With a smile, he showed us whatever Mommy asked for. Something about an Amulet. Since I read a lot, I knew that she meant a pendant of some sorts, a necklace.

Alphonse was fitted to a necklace. It must have looked like a worm in his eyes, because when he wore it, that's exactly what he called it. A worm. I laughed at how he said it with his sneered face. Though, Mommy glared at me when I did that, forcing me to stop laughing and stay silent.

For a moment, I thought Mommy wasn't going to buy me one. I wouldn't have minded much, though it would have made me sad. Then, Daddy said, "What about Ella?" this made Mommy pick out an Amulet for me as well. It looked like a star to Alphonse, though it was something else, I knew it. I wasn't sure what it was called, though.

"Why does she get a star and I have to get a worm!" Alphonse whined. A laugh erupted from Mr. Bogart.

"Sweetheart, this is what was chosen for you. Be grateful you shall be protected." Mommy said to Al. I always wondered why she was protecting him so much. Sometimes, I even thought she didn't love me. She hardly ever came to comfort me after a nightmare, though if Alphonse had one she would coddle him.

The amulets were wrapped around our necks as we walked back to the car. Alphonse and I were identical in our faces as we passed by so many people. I never thought that how identical we were would affect me in my future. Of course, it did.

My father went to work the following morning. I anticipated him coming home. He would always lift my brother and I in his arms. He always shouted the same thing, "My twins! In my left arm and my right!" it always made Al and I giggle. Our father made us so happy. He was my brother's idol, and my hero.

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><p><strong>Please review on the revised version! :D <strong>


	2. Death of loved one

**This...took a long...time...Please review at the end! :D**

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><p>My mother had made dinner. Alphonse and I were seated at the table in our seats. He and I were waiting for our father to come home. He had said that he might take us to a movie. Outside, seeing a movie, no less, would be wonderful. Al and I had hardly been anywhere in our lives except for our home.<p>

Even our home had been in our family for generations. My mother was very adamant about keeping items within the family. She always said that your ancestors spirits would come back to the items that were theirs in the future. Daddy always said that Mommy's family was crazy.

"Trisha, your family is crazy, every single one." though, he always said the same thing afterwards. "Now, children, don't get me wrong. Your mother is beautiful and sweet. She is always kind, and I am honored to be her husband."

I never met my grandparents. I never met any of them. Daddy's parents died a year before Al and I were born. Mommy's mother died when she married Daddy. Mommy said she was very sad, and she was in mourning until she discovered she was pregnant. She said that when she found out she was pregnant, she had to perk up for her baby.

Though, then she found out that she was having twins. This made her joyful, and father said that twins ran in his family. Though, then when they discovered identical twins, they were even more excited. Daddy said that there had never been identical twins in his family.

After dinner, Mommy put some aside for Daddy when he got home. Daddy happened to work late today, so Mommy had to put food away for him later. Mommy permitted Alphonse and I to play in the living room. We would sometimes play educational games that Mommy got for us on the rare occasion she decided to go out somewhere without Daddy. The only times she usually did that was when she would go grocery shopping.

There was a pounding knock on the door. It was louder than anyone else would have knocked. I wondered why someone would want to knock so loud, our door was practically an antique. I wouldn't want anyone to break it. Mommy walked to the front door to open it. She was wiping her hands on her apron as she walked towards it.

She opened the door. I saw two policemen there. Two policemen that I didn't know I would see in the future. When Mommy saw them, she looked at us before walking outside, shutting the door behind her. She seemed like she knew bad news would be coming towards her, though she was staying calm about it.

It wasn't long before she walked back into the house. Mommy looked as if she had cried a bit. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her face was a bit red. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, though I didn't want to upset her more. After a few moments of awkward silence, I didn't care anymore.

"Mommy...what's wrong?" I asked.

She looked at me for a moment. Then, she waved Alphonse over to her. He walked slowly to her, and she wrapped her arms around him, kneeling to his height. "I'm so very sorry, children. Your father has been in a car accident. I'm afraid he's passed away." Mommy said. This made me want to scream.

Of course, I stayed silent. I didn't like it when Mommy was upset, and I wouldn't do so more. Alphonse wiped away a drummed up tear. He wanted to cry, I could see it. Though, he was trying to stay silent. Since he was a boy, I knew he would want to drum up his emotions.

I didn't blame him. He didn't like it when Mommy was upset either. Though, I'm sure he wasn't thinking of her. I'm sure he was just thinking of how he needed to be masculine, and how he was a boy so he needed to be strong. After that day, he always said things about how he was the man of the house now.

Mommy would smile and call him her little man. She said he looked so much like his father that he was the little man. Though, I knew I was nothing now. I didn't look like Mommy. Her long brunette hair and blue eyes. I knew there was no way I could be called a little Mommy, or anything like that. I wasn't a mommy, and I wasn't a woman.

I looked identical to Al, which meant I looked like Daddy. Though, I couldn't be a little Daddy or a little man. I was a girl, and that was simply impossible. At least, that's what I thought. Though, a few months passed Daddy's death. We had a small service, though I don't think it could really be called a funeral.

I cried heavily, though Mommy made no move to comfort me. A lady that lived near us, though not a neighbor, comforted me. I didn't know how much she would later be in my life, so I never really paid attention. I believed her name was Gracia. Gracia Hughes, something like that.

Shortly after that, it was time for Alphonse and I to go to the local public school and test. We had tests each year to determine if we would go onto the next grade. I always did very well on the tests, and Al wasn't so good in school, though he did well enough on the tests to pass.

Al and I always looked out to the students walking down the hallways. We yearned to be studying with those children. We hated home school, having to be at home all the time, we just wanted to go to a regular school, and meet friends. I always saw Alphonse's eyes longing for the ball field at the school, and I longing to be one of the girls that would walk by.

There was a man there that conducted our tests. He taught students with Mommy, though since Daddy died, she had quit her job. She needed to care for us, and there was plenty life insurance money to care for us. Mommy always said that she didn't miss teaching, since she got to teach Alphonse and I everyday.

That made me happy, since she recognized that she loved me somehow. It didn't matter if I wasn't in that sentence alone, I was loved by her, and that was all that I needed to go on happily in my family.

Mr. Cotes saw my mother and began to speak with her. While Alphonse and I took our tests, he took her for coffee. This made me happy since Mommy was actually talking to people. She hardly did that, and I was very glad. Alphonse and I worked hard on our tests, though when the school bell rang, we watched through the window in the door at the students, and they peered in at us.

Of course, there would be curiosity about why we were there. After all, rumors spread about us. How our mother was a witch and we were under her spell. That whoever got near us would perish a horrible death. I never wanted to believe that. Alphonse thought it was true at a time after Daddy died, but he eventually got over that thought after Mommy told him many times it was just an accident.

After our tests, Mommy said that Mr. Cotes was coming over for dinner a few nights later. She said that she wanted him to meet us, so we had to be on our best behavior. I promised to Mommy that I would be. I don't remember Alphonse doing so, it didn't seem like he would have anyway.

His full name was Tyler Cotes, well, Mommy called him Tyler. So, I assumed that was his first name. Though, Mommy said we weren't allowed to call him Tyler. We had to call him Mr. Cotes.

That night, Alphonse and I were dressed our best and put to the test. The test of behavior. When Mr. Cotes came to see us, Al and I were to stand at the end of the stairs hand in hand. Mommy said we would look precious like that, and I guessed I believed her. Daddy taught me what precious meant long ago, though I had to explain it to Al.

When Mr. Cotes came, Al and I were exactly as told. Dressed nicely, hand in hand, at the end of the stairs. When he saw us, of course he smiled. His blonde hair was in little tufts as he kept his hair very, very, short. His blue eyes were darker than anything I had ever seen before. Midnight blue eyes. I thought they were beautiful.

He was skinny for his height. He was very very tall. Probably as tall as Daddy was. "They are definitely twins." he said. I don't know why he said it. Of course we were twins, identical. If we weren't twins, what would we be? Brother and sister with the same birthday and we looked exactly alike? Who knows.

Even though I had responsibility of being with Alphonse whenever Mommy couldn't, I still loved being his twin. It made me feel unique, and I always knew that whenever I was feeling alone, he would be there. That was the special thing about having a twin sibling.

"Alphonse, Ella, sit at the table and behave." Mommy said. She wanted to speak with Mr. Cotes by herself. Alphonse and I started to walk to the table. I looked back for some reason I am still not sure of. When I did, I saw Mommy and Mr. Cotes kissing each other in the lips. I knew this wouldn't make Daddy happy.

Mommy served a stew with pork on the side. I loved stew, it was my favorite food. Mommy saw my excitement, and gave me a look to tell me not to get overexcited. I nodded to Mommy and everyone ate quietly.

Mommy also began to see Mr. Cotes more would tell Alphonse and I to go to bed and then spend the nights with Mr. Cotes while we slept. I thought it was sweet how Mommy was beginning to love someone.

Then, one day..

"Mommy!" I shouted. I had seen Daddy. It was the first time, but I had seen him. Mommy ran towards me quickly, needing to know what happened. I usually never shouted. She had been a bit stressed lately. She was trying to get Alphonse and I to 'cross over' as she put it. Alphonse didn't want to, though I was genuinely curious as to what it would be like.

Mommy said she had seen our family ancestors walking all through the house. They would play the piano for her after we had gone to bed, and she would talk to them as she cooked our dinner. Daddy always thought that was funny. He said, "Listen with half an ear, my children."

I don't think Mommy liked that he didn't believe. Though, I guessed she loved him enough to not think anything of it. They were both in love, one of the happiest couples I ever met. I always wanted what Mommy had. To get married to a wonderful husband and have two cute children, a girl and a boy. Then my life would be complete.

After I crossed over, of course. I wanted to impress Mommy very badly. I figured this might just be what she meant, and I couldn't wait to show it off to Mommy and make her proud.

"What is it, Ella?" Mommy asked urgently.

"I thought I saw Daddy, Mommy," I told my Mother. Who knows what she would think? Would she assume I was lying?

"You did, did you?" she asked. I nodded eagerly. "What did he look like?" Mommy asked more.

"He looked...younger...is he supposed to look younger?" I asked.

"She's lying!" Alphonse shouted, most likely in jealousy.

"That is truly how it starts. Hush now, Alphonse, let's go eat." Mommy had just finished preparing lunch. She said it was warm porridge for us. Even though a lot of the food Mommy made was bland, I loved it. She was only trying to keep us healthy, after all.

I wondered where my life would go. What would happen in my experiences. Who I would meet, and how I would grow. Would Alphonse and I be best friends in the future? I would have those answers in the future. Those terrible, terrible answers.

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><p><strong>The next chapter...It'll be up...eventually...<strong>


	3. Who pushed me?

**Please continue reading, I think something good of this will happen! :)**

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><p>It wasn't long until Daddy had begun to speak to me. He would tell me that he loved Mommy, that he loved Alphonse and I. It was what helped me get through the day, something I needed deeply.<p>

Of course, Mommy began to go out with Mr. Cotes more and more. Alphonse and him clicked instantly, and he was kind to me as well. I thought that maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe our family ancestors wanted Mommy to be happy again after Daddy's death.

Well, this didn't last long. I awoke in the middle of the night. I heard some sort of rustling noise that startled me awake. I sat up in my bed, getting my pink fuzzy robe Daddy gave me as a gift. I made sure that Al was asleep before walking downstairs.

Mommy was shouted at something. I couldn't see, I thought maybe it was Daddy and he had hidden from me while him and Mommy fought.

"Why would you do that?" Mommy shouted. "He was kind to our children when you weren't here, he made me happy!" she continued on. I felt bad, I wondered what had happened.

"Mommy?" I asked. I walked closer to her. She glanced at me, then looked back at the spot where I assumed Daddy was. She sighed a bit, looking back at me. "Mr. Cotes is dead." she told me.

"Dead?" I asked. I was confused, my golden orbs widened in fear. The only other man Mommy found happiness in, and he was now dead?

"Yes, dead. On his way home tonight his car was crashed into by drunk teenagers," She glared at the air. "It was your Father's doing. I'm sure, he never wanted me to be with any other man, always the jealous type."

This made me more frightened. Why would my Daddy want to kill anyone? He was the sweetest man I ever knew. Of course, I didn't know many men. I didn't even know many women.

"I'm sorry, Ella. Go back to bed, keep your brother safe. They're ravenous tonight." I knew what Mommy meant about 'they'. She meant the evil spirits that took Daddy away from us.

I was quick to do as she said, and went to sleep. Though, not before checking on Al to make sure he was alright.

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><p>The next morning, I was quick to get up. Getting up in the middle of the night may have cost me a few minutes of sleep, but that was no excuse for sleeping in. Mommy had breakfast ready for us before the meditation session would begin. I was to garden while Al meditated, though he didn't meditate nearly as much as I did before.<p>

Of course, Alphonse immediately wanted to play with the electric trains he received from Mr. Cotes. Mommy told him he needed to concentrate on other matters for now.

After I had gardened, and Al had meditated, he asked to play with his trains again. Mommy spoke with him before he came to me, almost in tears.

"What is it, Alphonse?" I asked him. He seemed distressed.

"When I asked Mommy if I could play with my electric trains, but she told me that I needed to take them apart and put them in the turret room!" Alphonse whined. I was confused by this motion that my Mommy had.

She walked to us almost immediately. "Alphonse, we are a family in mourning. Families in mourning do not simply go on as nothing had happened. Ella, you help him put the trains away." Mommy said before going back to her busy chores.

I sighed softly, I supposed that everything would never be normal for us. I thought about the rumors about us around the town. Were they true? Would anyone who came close to our family perish in an untimely death?

I looked to Alphonse. "Come on, let's put your trains away." I said. I didn't want to put them away, though. He loved them so much, and it seemed to be easier for me when Mommy said to care for him.

"No!" Al shouted. He bound for the door, running outside. Mommy apparently had noticed since I heard her shout, "Alphonse Michael Elric!"

I followed after him. I knew what Mommy would want me to do. I found Al in a tree. Apparently he had climbed up. "Al, please come down!" I shouted up to him.

"I want my electric trains!" he shouted. I sighed softly again. Whenever I sighed, I felt like Mommy. "Mommy won't be happy!" I shouted up again. He continued to stay up in the tree.

I turned around to head back toward the house. I planned to go tell Mommy he wouldn't come down. Of course, my plan was cut short when I heard a thumb and a sickening cry. My eyes widened and I immediately turned around in fear.

Alphonse was on the ground. He continued to cry and scream. When I saw, I knew what was wrong. Al broke his leg. I could tell because when I saw his leg, it was twisted somewhat and I could see where the bone would be protruding his skin. If it shifted just a bit more, it would tear through his skin.

If I wasn't so intent on getting Mommy, I would've thrown up. I ran to the kitchen where Mommy stood. "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" I cried out. She sensed something was wrong. "What is it?" she asked hurriedly.

"Al fell out of the tree!" I shouted. She was quick to run to Alphonse's location. I was right behind her, though she was faster because she had more stamina than I.

"Alphonse!" she cried out. "What did I tell you?" She shouted out at him.

"It wasn't me, Mommy! Someone pushed me!" he cried. I wondered if he was telling the truth.

Mommy lifted him, despite his whines of protest. She carried him to his room where she made up a splint.

"Mommy, shouldn't we take him to the hospital?" I asked her while she was doing this.

"They won't do anything more than what I can do here. Tomorrow I'll go into town to get ingredients for his cast. You watch him for the time being." Mommy ordered. She left quickly. Alphonse had been in so much pain that he had passed out.

I thought he was dead.

He woke around an hour later. "Where's Mommy?" he asked.

"Can't you hear it? She's outside cutting down the tree because, you said that someone pushed you." I told him. He probably was too tired to tell, but I was sure he could now clearly hear the chainsaw Mommy was using.

"I need Mommy. I have to pee." Al whined. My eyes widened. What would we do? "I'll get Mommy." I told him, walking out to see Mommy. She looked at me instantly.

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching your brother!" Mommy shouted at me.

"Al has to pee," I said. "What do we do?" I asked her.

"Get a bowl for him to pee in from the cabinets. It's easy for a boy, you'll see." Mommy told me before she ushered me back inside the house, continuing with her cutting of our tree.

I did as told, getting a glass bowl from the cabinet. I walked to Alphonse who's eyes widened when he saw the bowl.

"What's that for?" he asked.

"Mommy wants you to pee in it," I told him. "She said it's easy for a boy to do."

"..Fine.." Al said. "Turn around." as if I wanted to see any of that. I turned around after placing the bowl in between his legs. I heard everything that I didn't need to, and took the bowl after he was finished.

"What happens when I have to go number two? I don't want to lay here," Al whined. "Mommy said you could make the pain stop. Make it stop." Al said.

I remember when Mommy said that. I got out a book that I was instructed to read to him when he awoke. I began, but he interrupted me. "I hate when you read." Alphonse said. I paid him no heed and continued on.

I wondered if Mommy was right. Did I have the ability to make his pain end? By the time I was finished reading the story to him, he was asleep.

And he wasn't in pain.

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><p><strong>Review! <strong>


	4. Another Death

It was long after Alphonse's leg had healed. I was still a bit uneasy, he had said that someone pushed him off the tree, and now I was worried about him. If the evil spirits killed Daddy like Mommy said, I didn't want to risk anything with Alphonse.

I would get so worried and paranoid, I would wake Alphonse in the middle of the night just to check on him. He would mumble a groan, telling me to quit doing this.

I would tell Alphonse, "this is all for you, Al," he would grunt and turn away.

Even though I was paranoid, my family was the happiest since Daddy died. When Al got his cast taken off, his leg was so skinny and white looking. I was worried, and Mommy was too after seeing his limp. I don't think that Alphonse really noticed it.

I watched Al carefully. He hated that I did so, but he never did bring it up to Mommy. I guess he figured it was Mommy's doing that I was watching him carefully. Of course, I would think the same if I were him.

Sometimes I still wondered what would have happened if Daddy didn't die. Maybe Al would have never broken his leg. Of course he wouldn't have. If he didn't get the electric trains put away, he would have climbed it. If Daddy didn't die, he wouldn't have the electric trains.

Mommy always knew how Al liked to use things with some sort of engine. Mr. Cotes got me a doll, so whenever Al would play with the trains, I would play with my doll. My doll was eventually taken away, though I didn't fight it. I didn't want to be like Al and get my leg broken.

I would follow Al around to help him when he limped, and it gradually got better and better. I was glad that he was getting better, and soon it was pretty much gone. No one even noticed it after a while.

While Alphonse and I were outside once, for some reason, I looked to the forest. It was interesting what I saw, and I thought it might be some sort of a sign.

Mommy must have seen us and saw my facial expression. I could never hide anything very well. Mommy knew this. She ran out to me and placed her hands on either shoulder.

"Ella, what did you see?" she asked. She had told me I had the 'eyes'. The 'eyes' to see evil, stop pain, do miraculous things. I still think on this sometimes. Maybe it was the only nice thing she had said about me.

"I...I saw a light. It was moving down the forest, though it was probably just the sunset." I said. I wanted to ease her mind, that seemed to be just as wild as Al's imagination.

"Moving that fast? I doubt it," Mommy said. "Listen up, Alphonse. I don't want you or Ella to go into the forest for a bit."

"What? Why not?" Al whined.

"Ella has seen something terrible tonight. I've been having some bad vibes today as well." Mommy told me.

"She's lying! She just doesn't want to go fishing anymore! She's boring and stupid!" Al continued to shout bad things about me. I looked down at my feet. I didn't want to force Al to stay out of the forest, they weren't my orders. They were Mommy's, though he blames me.

"Alphonse!" Mommy shouted. "No more further arguments from you or you will be locked in your room again."

It was true, sometimes when Al was bad, Mommy would lock him in his room. She didn't want him to eat or even go to the bathroom. He was sentenced to his room until he was ready to apologize for whatever wrong he had committed.

I didn't want that to happen to Al. I still remembered the last time, which was right after he had broken his leg. Mommy sent him to his room, and he almost went two days without eating or drinking, without even using the bathroom. I was shocked.

Of course, before he apologized, I tried to bring him something to eat. Mommy had made a nice little lasagna for the two of us. I got a second helping, though took it up to Al instead. I wanted him to eat something at least. Of course, when Mommy caught me, she wasn't very happy.

"What are you doing, young lady?" Mommy asked.

"I was bringing Alphonse something to eat.." I admitted. I didn't want Al to starve. I know it must have looked bad, I was sitting at the door, knocking lightly. I had a plate of lasagna in my hands and was caught red handed.

Mommy snatched the plate from me. "You know we do not eat in the bedrooms," she told me, taking the plate away. Of course that was the family rule. No matter what, no food in the bedrooms. Ever. I knew this rule all to well, and had almost broken it by trying to give food to Alphonse.

"Do I need to lock you up as well?" Mommy asked.

I shook my head hastily. "Of course not, Mommy." I told her. She smiled softly.

"Good."

I didn't want that to happen again.

Before anything could happen, Alphonse bound himself for the forest.

"Alphonse Nicholas Elric!" Mommy shouted. "Go after him, Ella. But don't you dare go into the forest. They're swarming like ants out there."

I did as told and ran for Al. Of course, he had gone into the forest. I decided that if I could get him out of the forest, it wouldn't matter if we were in there or not. Besides, I was sure nothing bad could happen.

Well, Al was fishing.

"I'm gonna bring home a big fish and make Mommy happy." he told me as he knew I was behind him now.

"Alphonse, please, come home." I pleaded.

"No!" He growled at me in frustration. I understood his rage, but he needed to come home. I took a hold of his fishing pole.

"Come home!" I shouted at him. He pulled back and before I knew it, we were in a tug-a-war match. I continued to pull, wanting him to come back. Of course, he always pulled back, wanting to fish.

My hands were starting to burn from pulling, and I had to let go. Unfortunately, Al kept the same momentum, and slipped off a bolder. He fell into the water, and I screamed.

I looked down to see him floating in the water, his leg had gotten caught on a branch that was sticking out. He looked like he was kicking his legs for a moment, and I saw crimson coming from his head.

I was quick to run toward the house. Mommy was inside, laying down on the couch. She was napping, but I shook her awake. I didn't care anymore.

"Al went into the forest to go fishing and fell down the creek and now he's bleeding!" I shouted.

"Ella, you're speaking too fast. Slow down." Mommy told me.

"Alphonse went fishing." I said slower. Her eyes widened and she ran toward the creek. I was right behind her, though she was faster than me since she was older.

When she reached the creek, she got in the water, wading through the current. I began to follow her, but when I did, I couldn't get as far as her. I was too small, and the current was really pressing against me. Mommy was stronger, and probably driven by her maternal instinct.

She lifted him up, examining him. "Get the wheelbarrow!" she shouted at me. I was quick to run to the shed. I gasped for breath for a moment, getting the wheelbarrow out of the shed and running back to Mommy.

She had Al on the ground, spread out. He looked like he was sleeping, except for the fact that his lips were blue and his skin was pale. Mommy went to lift him, and I reached to help by lifting his legs.

"Don't touch him!" Mommy screamed, scaring me off. I didn't move until she had him in the wheelbarrow. She began to push it, and I know it must have been hard for her.

"This must be uncomfortable for him. Go get the wheelchair." Mommy ordered. I nodded, going into the house. I got Al's wheelchair that he used when his leg was broken. I hurried back, trying not to make Mommy wait.

She got Al into the wheelchair, fitting his legs and arms in. "Go put the wheelbarrow back." She said. I nodded and put it back. When I reached Mommy and Al, they were still well on their way to the house.

When I looked at Alphonse, I felt terrible. His face looked like he was smiling at me. As if he was going to tell Mommy all about our tug-a-war fight with the fishing pole to get me into trouble. When we got into the house, she lifted Al out of the wheelchair.

"Go to my room. Take a hot shower and make yourself a bed on the couch. Alphonse needs to be alone right now." Mommy told me. I did as told, and when I got out of the shower, there were clothes on Mommy's bed waiting for me.

Mommy must have put them there. I didn't make any further movement against putting my clothing on. When I walked down to the couch, I began to place sheets on the couch to sleep on, and there was a blanket ready for me, it felt like it had just been ironed.

I overheard Mommy on my way down to the couch. She was talking to Alphonse.

"You were very bad. I should lock you in your room all summer for what you did. I might just do that. Your Daddy would be very disappointed in you, and very _very_ disappointed in Ella. He may never appear for her again." Mommy said.

Not..appear for me again..? I was in shock. Why would Daddy be disappointed in me? Did Al tell Mommy and Daddy about the tug-a-war? Or worse, did Daddy actually _see_ it?

Mommy walked downstairs when I was about to lay down for bed. "Is Alphonse going to be alright?" I asked Mommy.

"We'll see." she told me.

I was rejoiced. This meant he was alive. This meant I didn't kill him in any way.

* * *

><p>The next morning, I awoke with a jerk. I wasn't on the couch, I wasn't in my bed, I was in Al's bed. This made me wonder what was going on. Did Mommy accidentally put me in the wrong bed? I know she was very tired before.<p>

"Alphonse, you're awake, I thought you would never be up." Mommy smiled. I was confused. I wasn't Alphonse, I was Ella. I was a girl, he was a boy. It also confused me the way she said Alphonse so lovingly.

"Mommy? What's going on? I'm not Al, I'm Ella." I reminded my Mommy.

"Nonsense, Alphonse. Now, come, let's go say goodbye to your sister." Mommy told me. I walked with her quietly. This was like some nightmare I wouldn't wake up from.

I only then noticed that Mommy was wearing the same black dress that she wore at Daddy's funeral, and the day after Mr. Cotes died.

"Come outside." Mommy said. She took me by the hand while we were walking, then she opened the door and walked to the garden with her hand linked to mine.

Mommy had the bible in her hands as we stood. There was a hole that was next to the garden. I was curious, but didn't know if I should look in the hole.

"We've come to say our final goodbye, Alphonse." Mommy said. Why was she calling me Alphonse? I was Ella!

I looked into the hole and a silent scream erupted my body. Inside of the grave was my brother, Alphonse. Wearing my amulet and my dress. I will never forget that moment. That moment of utter terror.

When I ran a hand over myself, I noticed I was not in my own clothes. I was in Alphonse's clothes that he was wearing before. Mommy must have undressed me during the night. I was wearing Alphonse's amulet instead of my own, and as the wind blew by, I noticed all my hair was cut.

The golden hair I thought that no one could ever take from me, was now gone. When I took a second look in the grave, I noticed Al was wearing a bonnet on his head that I hadn't worn in years. He did look like me, though, which is what terrified me more than anything.

"Goodbye, Ella," Mommy said. "Now you may walk beside our ancestors. You must have been so worthy for them to chose you at this time. Now, you may keep Daddy company as well. How lonely he must have been to let this happen to you."

"Your brother wants to say goodbye as well," Mommy urged me on. "Go on, Alphonse, say goodbye too. Don't be afraid. She'll be able to hear you for a little while longer."

What was I to say?

"Mommy-"

"Say goodbye to your sister." It sounded more like an order now.

"Goodbye, Ella." I said goodbye to myself. Though, in my head, I was saying goodbye and sorry to Alphonse. I never meant for this to happen to him, and I felt terrible to have let it go like this.

Mommy opened her bible and began to read.

"The lord is my shepherd..."

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you guys like the revised version. A lot longer and more detailed, huh? Review! <strong>


	5. The Boy Next Door

**FINALLY! :)**

* * *

><p>I awoke again, though I was still in Al's bed. I gazed around the room, my head feeling different. I felt through my locks to feel it and frowned deeply at my hair that had been cut. I looked down and was wearing Al's shirt and pants. When I sat up, Mommy walked in the room with a tray in her hands.<p>

It contained a cup of herbal tea with two pieces of toast and homemade blueberry jam.

"There we are," she said as she set the tray down on the nightstand next to me. She pulled up a chair to the bed. "Sit up, Alphonse," she said, fixing the pillow behind me so I could lean against it.

"Mommy, why am I in Alphonse's clothes? Why did you cut my hair?" I asked. I tried not to sound to urgent, but I felt urgent.

"She was very close to those spirits, Alphonse. I knew she would be taken in my heard, and that was why they appeared to her before you. They had plans for her that we could not change in the end," Mommy said, instead of answering me. "We should be grateful for the time we got to spend with her. No one else will understand, and I know this. You know how the community is. It's has to be our secret, my darling. Our secret."

"But...I'm Ella." I said.

"No, no you aren't. You must be your brother forever and ever now. It's what they want, what they expect. Every day you will understand more and more. You will hear the spirits telling you what I am telling you. You will hear them just as I do, You will know I am right."

"If you betray them, if you disobey, the evil spirits will take you as well, but you will not be with your father, for you failed to protect your brother's spirit, so you must _take_ his spirit into you. You must _be _his spirit. Alphonse must not be gone," she added. "It wasn't his time. It was Ella's time. That's what we now know."

She reached for the tray. "Here, eat and quench your thirst as well," Mama said smiling lovingly. "I need you to be strong. We have so much we need to do, Alphonse."

I stared at her, though all the while she continued to smile.

"I will never call you anything but Alphonse or Al. You must never answer to any other name. You must abandon your identity and fate. Eat, sip your tea, get well. We have to begin." Mama said.

I wondered, begin what? She practically read my thoughts.

"Begin your rebirth," she said as she stood slowly from the chair. "You will no longer have contact with outsiders for a while. They won't understand us or what we are doing. So, we must lie, tell them things so they'll understand us. After wards, they won't be near us anymore. We will then be able to continue as we always have." Mommy continued to walk away toward the doorway.

"Alphonse, I've done something special to cheer you up," Mommy began. When I looked at her, I couldn't speak. I only shook my head slowly. "I brought your trains out. So whenever you want, you can go downstairs to play with them. Alright?"

Her smile faded when I did nothing. "We will miss your sister, Al, very much so. Though, there is nothing we can do to change anything. The only thing to do is to adjust our lives without her. She's with Daddy, she's happy now. Very happy."

Mommy left the room. When I heard her descend from the stairs, I let out a large breath. A breath I didn't even realize I had been holding in. It had just been locked in my lungs.

I got out of the bed, about to walk outside. As I passed the full length mirror in the restroom, I saw myself. I was shocked with what I saw. I didn't see anyone except for Alphonse. I had my hair cut like Al's, I was wearing his clothes.

Al was in my mirror.

* * *

><p>Mommy wanted me to help her plant grass over Al's grave. I did so, and remembered Mommy always taking such wonderful care of our little cemetary. She would always weed around the graves and plant near it in the garden.<p>

She told me so many times that it was our responsibility to take care of the cemetary. I raked and planted grass on top of the grave. The grave was unmarked, not saying _Ella_, which I was thankful for.

"We cannot let anyone else find out someone is buried here, Alphonse," Mommy told me one day. "No one would understand. That is why we must make the grass greener. So no one would ever think that the earth was touched. Keep this secret locked up in your little heart."

I agreed with Mommy, I didn't want anyone to know about the secret we were now keeping. Somehow, I felt that it would be wrong to let anyone else know.

"Press your hand over your shoulder. Swear that you will never tell anyone that Ella is here. Swear." she said.

I put my hand over my shoulder. I even shut my eyes to try and block everything out.

"I swear."

"My precious Alphonse, my little precious baby, Alphonse," Mommy said. "we must now begin the process of your rebirth. I think it will take nine months. Yes, just about the time it takes to have a baby born. But somehow, Alphonse's spirit will embrace itself into your body. You will do so wonderfully, so wonderfully that even your Daddy will recognize you as Alphonse. He will have Father's pride written all over him."

My Father would love me. He would be proud of me, and he would appear for me. And my Mother would love me just as much as she loved Alphonse.

"Let us begin," Mommy said. "You must never let anyone see you naked. Keeping you in homeschooling will make this so much easier, as well. You won't keep pestering me about putting you in public school, now, will you, Alphonse?"

"No." I said.

"Good boy. Boys have a rougher edge, as well. I really don't mind your collection of insects and dead thinks at all, Alphonse." this made me swallow hard.

I minded it.

"Of course, a boy must become a man. You must take on more responsibility. We have a lot to do together. Your chores will be filled with more serious work. It's just you and me now, so I'll be depending on you to take on the harder chores that we have. But you must listen to me. Will you?" Mommy watched me.

There was no look of doubt that I was not Alphonse. I kept looking for her to sound hesitant, but she didn't stop for a moment. She was looking at me as if I was Al. Those eyes that she always stared at Alphonse with. The eyes I was so envious about. Those eyes were all mine now. Forever and ever, those eyes were mine.

"Yes, Mommy," I said. "I will listen. I promise."

"Good."

"Your hands will also get rough. You'll develop calluses. Don't be afraid of them, they protect your hands from sores that could develop on your hands. Remeber how hard Daddy's hands were?"

I gave a nod to my Mother.

"That's how your hands will be. You shouldn't worry about lotions to keep them smooth. Boys your age don't worry about their looks. They like to get muddy and dirty. They worry about their looks later. Around the age of sixteen is usually when they worry, and it's only so they will attract the attention of the opposite sex." Mommy said.

"Boys must become men. They do harder chores and make the forts like the type you have in the forest. I give you permission to continue on with your fort. Girls don't do that type of work. They don't work hard on the building and such. They're too afraid to break a fingernail," Mommy paused, taking my hand in hers. She eyed my fingernails. "I'll have to cut yours back. Go off and work on your fort. I'll be by later."

I walked off to the fort, trying to mimic what Alphonse had done those times ago. I measured pieces of wood, lining them up on a shell just like Al would do. When I looked at it, I saw that my slats were more even that Alphonse every would've done. I was over-thinking the whole situation, trying to be just like Alphonse.

"Stop worrying about how pretty it is and finish it," a sudden voice said from behind me. I jumped back to see Mommy standing behind me. How long had she been standing there? "It's just a little boy's imaginary fortress in the woods, Alphonse. Get it done."

I went back to work, trying to do it like Alphonse would. I didn't line much up anymore, wanting Mommy to be proud of my-or his-work. A short time after I begun, there was a pain in my palm. When I saw that I had a splinter, I threw down the hammer. I then went off to find Mommy.

She was in the living room, in Great-Grandpa Jordan's chair. She was rocking back and fourth, reading something in a book. When she heard me, she looked up to see me standing there.

"What is it Alphonse?" she asked.

"I got a splinter," I said.

"And? You've had plenty of splinters before, but you kept them a secret from me because you were too afraid I would tell you to stop building your fort. Remember when I only found your splinters when I got in your bath, and lectured you on infections? Remember?"

When I began to shake my head, she glared at me, and I stopped.

"Yes."

"Go back to building your fort. I'll all you in for dinner."

I was just about to ask her if I should help her, set the table, or cook. Though, she anticipated I would.

"Without Ella now, I will be doing all the work in the kitchen and set the table. You were never very good at doing so, Alphonse. Remember when you broke my china? A family heirloom, remember? You always were a bit clumsy, though it's alright. Boys are clumsier than girls."

I looked at my splinter before I headed back to the fort. I wasn't doing all that much when Mommy called me to dinner. Only then did she help me get the splinter out of my hand. I didn't cry, but she spoke to me as if I were crying.

"Boys are such babies. They never truly stop being babies, either. They need the tender care of loving warmth of a woman. I know you hate to hear it, but women are much stronger than men. Women endure, they are the ones that give birth. Men stand by and thank God that they are not the ones with labor pains. Trust me, women would gladly trade the pain of a splinter to giving birth. There, wipe away your tears, it's all over now. Now, let's eat." Mommy said.

Even though I had no tears, I pretended I did, wiping the imaginary tears from my eyes. I left to wash my hands in the bathroom before retreating to the dining room. Dinner was on the table.

Dinner was the loneliest time for me. I missed when Alphonse would squirm in his seat, complaining that he had too many vegetables.

"You're eating too fast as usual," Mommy told me.

I had hardly started eating, but it was something Mommy had always told Alphonse.

"Take time, chew your food, please. You'll get sick if you eat too fast," Mommy warned.

I wondered how many times Mommy had said that to Alphonse. I watched his chair as I wondered. When Mommy realized, she practically leaped out of her chair.

"Alphonse!" she cried out. I held my breath.

"What?"

"You're sitting in your sister's chair. It is not right to do that. Go back to your own seat, go on." Mommy said.

It was a hard thing to do, moving from my seat to Alphonse's. It just didn't feel right. Though, on Mommy's orders, I got my plate, moving it to his spot and sitting in his chair. When I hesitated, Mommy leaned towards me.

"You have to do this," she said quietly. "You have to do it all."

Mommy scooted my plate towards me a bit more.

"Gobble your food," she said. "Go on."

I started to eat fast, and then she stopped me.

"Eat slower, Alphonse. I told you, someday you'll be eating with more people, and you want to be polite don't you, Alphonse? You don't want people to think you were brought up in a pigsty." Mommy smiled.

When dinner was over, I got up to collect dishes.

"Don't touch anything," Mommy ordered. "Go look for night crawlers, or play with your trains."

I stood from my chair, walking out of the room. I stood where I was for the longest time. I put my hands in my pockets and brought my right hand out quickly. What was that?

Gingerly, I put my hand back in and brought it out. It was the dried remains of a deal snail. My stomach churned, but I caught a hold of myself when I turned and saw Mommy peering out of the living room front window curtain, watching me.

I was quick to collect the old coffee can Alphonse used and walked out of the house to pluck at night crawlers with as much glee as I could manage.

Mommy was smiling.

* * *

><p>Every single day that passed, I was Alphonse. Every time I made an act that was his, it was as if he was coming back. Mommy saw him in me, and no longer Ella. No longer me.<p>

Mommy saw me when she saw dirt on my face, sores on my hands, holes in my jeans, and mud on my shoes.

"You definitely take after your father. You've inherited his passion for construction. I always knew you would be good with your hands. You're mechanically inclined. You draw well, too. You have that vision." she would say.

Whenever I tried to draw the way Alphonse did, they came out terrible. He was wonderful, if he grew up, he might've been able to start a career with his work. Mommy didn't see my drawings as terrible. When she looked at them, she acted as if they were just as perfect as Al's.

She was right about my getting calluses. They had come just the way they came to Alphonse's hands. The roughness was distasteful to me at first, but I eventually became used to it.

I swung my hammer faster, drove nails in faster, and worked with the saw without the fear I used to have of cutting myself.

Mommy always had me chopping wood and showed me how to split logs to prepare them for the upcoming winter so that we could use them for our fireplace.

Most days, I had terrible aches and pains. All I wanted to do when soak in a hot bath. Though, Mommy always made me take a quick shower and then off to bed.

"You don't soften yourself, you harden yourself." she would say.

Sometimes, I would lie in bed. I would think of all the beautiful soaps and lovely scented shampoos I had as gifts. Whenever I went to Mommy's room, I always stared at the vanity table like I was homeless and staring at food.

I wanted nothing more than to run a brush through my long golden strands. Though, Mommy made sure my hair was always cut very short.

One night, Mommy caught me in there, smelling the scent of her cologne.

"What are you doing? Don't touch my things!" she snapped at me and ripped the bottle out of my hands.

"I'm sorry, Mommy, I just wanted-"

"Tomorrow, I will go into town and buy you some of the cologne your Father used to wear. You like that smell, don't you?" she cut me off.

"Yes."

"Good." she squeezed my upper arm. "Good," she said. "You're firmer. Good."

She made me leave to do my schoolwork. Ironically, if I did them too quickly, she would become upset. Whenever she passed me on a reading lesson, I would have to flip the pages back, acting as if I wasn't as far as I really was. Even if I was already done reading the lesson. When I got questions right on things, she would make me right things over again, or do redo math problems. Even if I got them right.

"You didn't do them correctly, it was just luck," she said. "Do it again."

I realized I was better off working slower, making deliberate mistakes, and not writing as neatly as I could. It pleased her.

"Don't worry, you'll get better eventually. Believe it or not, boys don't do as well until after puberty. And girls tend to do worse after that."

After the grass had grown so thick over the grave, that any outsider could not tell that the earth had been demolished, Mommy called me into the living room one night.

"Alphonse, I want you to go fishing tomorrow," she told me. "I want you to go with Ella."

I didn't know what she meant by, 'going with Ella'.

"Tomorrow, you will go fishing with Ella. You will get separated late in the day. Take her pole, where is yours?" Mommy asked.

"It was in the creek, Mommy." I almost said, "Remember?"

"That is fine, I suppose. They'll find it." Mommy said.

"Who?" I dared to ask.

"The search party. Tomorrow, the police will be asking you and I plenty of questions, lots of interrogating. I know exactly what you will say." she said. I grimaced.

"Don't do that, my darling boy. We must practice this now. The questions will be very intense on you, I'm sure. We must practice until you know what you are saying with firmness. With truth in your eyes."

"Now, you and Ella will go off to fish in the morning. You will separate. You, upstream, her, downstream, below that horrible boulder. Around midday, you will come running to me, saying you can't find her. Afterwards, we'll go look for her, and after finding her pole, I'll call the police," she continued.

It sounded like a story I would read in our library.

"Why did you split up with your sister?" Mommy asked. I assumed she was pretending to be the policeman.

"What?"

"Why didn't you fish together?"

"Ella is annoying. She talks too much, all she wanted to do was read, anyway."

"And what did you do when you couldn't find her?" Mommy pressed on.

"I thought she might have gone home without me, so I went to check there," I paused. "But when I got home.."

"She wasn't there." Mommy told me.

"We found the rod, but not her. Where was she?" I asked.

"Where is she?" Mommy mimicked. "My poor baby Ella, I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to her. Where is she? Did you see someone?"

"No, but I thought I heard someone. A scream, even, but I couldn't tell. The stream is so noisy these days."

"It is, isn't it? And we found her shoe, didn't we?" Mommy told me.

"A shoe?"

"Yes, her shoe. Just a single shoe, nothing else."

That night I dreamed myself walking in the woods. With...Ella. It was odd to see her standing behind me. Watching her trail behind with her head down, mumbling softly about the bushes, the trouble of getting through the forest, the dirty job of putting the worms on the hook.

"You're going to do it for me, Alphonse. Otherwise I won't go. They can't tell me it doesn't hurt, and they bleed." she would say.

"You're so stupid." I told her.

"I am not!" she whined. It was so fun to tease her. It always had been.

"Why don't you ask your stupid spirits to put the worm on the hook for you?" I told her.

"I've told you, they don't do things like that. Mommy's told you too. Someday, when you see them, you'll understand." she said.

Mommy was humming a happier song when I awoke the next morning. She was making Alphonse's favorite breakfast: Blueberry pancakes with loads of syrup and little sausages. I wasn't too fond of sausages, they usually upset my stomach, though today I had a big appetite.

"Now, Alphonse, you're bringing home dinner tonight. I have made two peanut-butter-jelly sandwiches and a thermos of chocolate milk. I want you two to share it evenly. I don't want to hear, he drank all of it and wouldn't give me any. Do you understand?" Mommy explained as if Ella was standing right next to me.

I took the fishing rod, which was really Ella's, and walked out the door, heading straight to the forest.

"I love you both!" Mommy called out to me as I walked.

As I imagined her behind me, I soon began to hear a second set of footsteps behind me. I paused.

"Catch up! I don't want to take all day to get to the creek." I cried out.

He had said that, so many times before, he had said that.

I was careful to thread the hook the way Alphonse did. Surprisingly with more expertise than I thought I could muster. Ella soon grew bored and drove me mad until I chased her halfway upstream. She was happy to go.

"I'll call you when I'm hungry!" I shouted. I saw a crow staring at me, I had a feeling that it knew I was acting odd, talking to myself.

"Yaaa" I shouted the way that Alphonse did and the crow was happy to leave me alone as well.

I think I dozed off, but when I finally came too, I realized I was still near the creek. Nothing had caught on my hook yet. Something nibbled at the end, but it swam away. Smart fish, I thought. Then I did something that surprised me.

I shouted for Ella as Mommy told me to do. I shouted and shouted, getting no response. I threw my pole down and went to look for her. Then I thought I saw something running buzzing through the bushes. Was that a scream?

I ran to the spot where I thought I had heard the scream. I found a shoe. The pink shoe Mommy had shown me the day prior.

Mommy, I thought. Mommy!

I ran towards the house. I broke from the woods and saw Mommy squatting next to her tomato plants. I continued to shout for her.

"What is it, Alphonse?" Mommy asked, standing.

I explained to her everything just like she had told me to. As if Mommy had planned it, the postman came by and saw that I was flustered and screaming. He got out of his vehicle and walked over.

"What's wrong, Mrs. Elric?" he asked.

"My daughter," she gasped. "My baby girl! She's missing!"

The man walked closer and listened as I explained everything to him.

"That doesn't sound too good. Is the creek far?" he asked.

"Not too far," Mommy said and started towards the creek.

"I'll be with you in a minute. I'm gonna let them know where I am at the post office." he told Mommy.

"Ella!" Mommy shouted as she ran fully towards the creek. I followed her and led the post man towards the scene of the 'crime'. The post man looked around and then walked back with us.

"I think we should get some help. I don't like what he's telling us," the post man said, nodding to me. Mommy put her arms around me.

"I fear she is gone, Alphonse. But you must not blame yourself. You must never blame yourself." she told me.

As Mommy predicted, the police questioned me. I told them everything I was told to say. They wanted to know everything Mommy had asked me last night. And I told them everything. Everything that was supposed to be said, was said.

Mommy and I went inside the house while people searched around the creek. Mommy laid on the sofa, a wet cloth on her forehead, and I sat next to her on the floor. The post man became the most popular person very quickly, and seemed to enjoy retelling the events.

"Some sick person must have been watching those kids, just waiting for an opportunity like this to strike." I heard an officer say.

A deputy had another detective question me. He asked me all of the questions over again and I told him. I told him how I thought I heard the scream, why we had separated, and I cried. He then told me what I could do to help Mommy.

"She'll need you to be strong." he advised before leaving me.

When I went to sleep, I felt terrible. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. I didn't even know why I felt this terrible, I just did. I felt...guilt.

I woke in the middle of the night. Mommy had come to my room, she stood in my doorway.

"Are you alright, Alphonse?" she asked me.

"Yes," I said in a very small, much like Ella's voice. Which was beginning to happen less and less. Mommy had been teaching me how to think before I spoke, which brought my voice from a much deeper place. She said it would soon become natural to me.

She sat next to me.

"You did very well today. We can expect them to return."

"Who?" I asked. I thought she meant the firemen and policemen.

"You know who. Daddy and all our other spiritual members. Just a little longer, only a bit, and all the people from town will leave us alone, forever. You did well today, get some sleep." she told me, kissing my cheek before tucking me in and leaving.

The next day, the police came in bigger numbers. Reporters too, and lots of people. I had never seen as many people on our yard until now. Mommy gave the reporters a detailed description of Ella.

Only one of them looked at me and asked, "So, they are twins?"

"Yes, yes." Mommy replied, and gave a two-year old picture. Our closest neighbor was an elderly man named Mr. Gurburt. He lived alone, and he fell into many peoples suspicions. Mommy seemed as though she felt bad for him, but she said it helped us.

"Something will turn up," an officer said. "We really searched that forest. Nothing bad happened to her there, we're sure of it." he explained. Mommy nodded and gave a tearful expression.

Ella's bed was stripped and the closet was emptied of her things. The closet that was once cramped from Al and I having to share was now roomy for Al's clothes to stay.

Mommy insisted on tucking me in and singing me one of her lullabies. I laid in bed long after she had left me, staring at Ella's bed.

Ella was really gone.

I didn't realize that I was crying until the pillow grew damp.

* * *

><p>Becoming Alphonse was more frightening than I thought. Even though Al couldn't read as well as I could, or do tests as well as I, or even see Daddy when I thought I had seen him, Mommy always had a reason to love him more than I.<p>

My worst fear was that I would never know that reason. I wouldn't know what I was doing wrong and ruin Mommy's whole picture of me being Alphonse. If I failed Mommy, I failed Daddy as well.

Occasionally, I would recite to myself, "Alphonse is not gone. Ella is gone. My sister, Ella, is dead and buried."

With everything feminine being removed from my room, and being given harder chores to accomplish, I was able to assume myself as Alphonse. I worked as hard as I could at every chore I was given.

I never worried about my hands or my hair. I never looked for a teacup or a doll. I avoided housework with the same detest that Alphonse had always had for it. I could feel Mommy watching me, studying me.

I would walk through the door and Mommy would always chaste me on my muddy hands and shoes, forgetting to wipe my feet on the mat, and smearing my muddy hands on the walls.

Sometimes, there really _were_ mud stains on my jeans and on the walls, and I always wondered, had I done that? She would scold me on another pair of torn jeans for supposedly leaving them on the floor next to my bed.

"You're too involved in your play, Alphonse. You need to think about the consequences of your actions."

One day, when I was doing my schoolwork, Mommy walked in with a jar of dead spiders in her hand. She told me that I had left them in the pantry next to the jar of jam. I remembered when Al had done that. Though, I dared not deny anything.

On another day, I had left the door open while I was peeing. Mommy walked by and looked in on me. I heard her scream and finished quickly.

"Boys don't sit on the toilet to pee, Alphonse. You want people to laugh at you? Boys stand," Mommy told me. I felt my eyes widen and my jaw agape.

"Just remember to lift the toilet seat. Sometimes your Father would forget. Men and boys," she spit out.

I didn't know what to do, but next time I had to pee, I straddled over the toilet seat and peed. It was uncomfortable, but I was able to do it. That same day, Mommy said she spoke with my Great-Aunt-Olivia. She had lost her daughter to a heart defect.

"She made me feel so much more comfortable with my own loss." According to Mommy, it was before the improvements of heart surgery had been made.

One afternoon, Mommy was speaking with one of her spirits. I grew bored, so I went up to the turret room. I found so many things that I had never seen before. And even things I had. I thought, this was a great opportunity to be Alphonse.

It came easier than I imagined.

How I would love to tease her right now, I thought. I would even be nicer to her. Our happiest times were when we were creating imaginary games and playing castle. She would help me with my schoolwork often, too. How I miss Ella. I need her. I need Ella.

I was doing very well being Alphonse until I spotted something. I squatted down to see what it was easier. They were Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy dolls. Daddy had got them for me when I was sick with the chicken pocks.

He told me that when he was redecorating a house they were discovered in the basement. The owner said he had no need for them and when he heard that Daddy had a little girl, he offered them to him.

Daddy didn't hesitate to take them. He said they were real antiques.

"The man had no idea what he was giving up. These are real antiques, Ella. You take good care of them." he had told me those years ago.

Alphonse never liked the dolls. He said that they were boring because they didn't have strings to pull and make them say something. I tried to feel the same way about them, but those memories. Those memories of playing with them, Daddy's smile, sleeping with them beside me. The floodgates I had locked tight were broken, and tears streamed down my face.

"What are you doing with those dolls?" Mommy's voice broke my thoughts. I whipped around to see her. She looked furious.

"I can't help it, Mommy. I miss Ella."

That seemed to keep her calm for a moment, but then a light filled her face. She nodded to herself and ripped the dolls out of my hands. She gripped the dolls around the neck like one of the chickens after she had cut off it's head.

"Come with me," she said, dragging me downstairs with her. We were outside before I knew it. When we reached outside, she shoved a shovel in my hands. "this way,"

I was dragged by my arm to the corner of the house where she instructed me to dig a hole. She wanted it deep. I had a bit of trouble with some rocks, but Mommy didn't care. She wanted this done without complaints. She didn't offer to help and when I finally got the hole deep enough, she was satisfied. She threw raggedy Anne and Raggedy Andy in the hole.

"Ella is gone! Do you hear me? Dead and buried, and so should her dolls be, as far as you're concerned! Now fill the hole and forget them forever!" Mommy shouted at me. "I hope it's not too late.." I heard her whisper, shaking her head.

I filled the hole without asking too many questions. I knew that I would just be yelled at if I did, and I didn't want to disappoint Mommy, or our spiritual relatives. I didn't know what she meant by 'too late', but I didn't ask. When I returned inside, she was in the rocker chair and her face was red with rage.

"Do you see what you've done, Alphonse? They have all retreated into the darkness, even your Father. Who knows when they'll return." Mommy said.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," I told her.

"Don't whine like a little girl, Alphonse. It's time you've learned to be more like your Father. Now, I want you to go out and split firewood until I call you." Mommy ordered. I nodded and left.

We had our firewood delivered, but we still had to split them and let them dry properly in order to use them for the winter. According to Mommy, it was going to be a cold winter.

I worked harder and faster to impress Mommy. At one point, I realized that my hand was bleeding on a spot where the skin had been worn right off. I didn't stop working, though. The pain would've made me cry before, though I wiped away my tears and kept working.

"Big boys don't cry," Mommy had been telling me since that tragic day. "They squeeze in their pain, not letting anything out. Almost like someone would squeeze a fly in their fist, not letting it come out. They squeeze and squeeze to make themselves hard on the inside where they need to be hard."

I lifted the ax once more and struck the log, splitting it on one strike. Lately, I had been able to do that on one strike. Whenever Mommy saw me do so, she would smile.

"Whenever I see you out there like that, you're the spitting image of your Father," she would say.

"Ella is gone! Dead and buried! And so are Raggedy Anne and Raggedy Andy." I recited to myself.

Months and months after that day, I didn't go back to the spot where the dolls were buried. Soon enough, weeds and grass began to grow over the spot so that it was hard to look out and see the dolls grave. Mommy was happy about that, I noticed.

I continued with my studies and work as if nothing had happened. As if I really were Alphonse. One day, Mommy told me that the spirits had slowly started to come out of the shadows-as if they had been frightened of something. Then, she told me she had finally seen Ella.

I had just been feeding the chickens when I came into the house to see Mommy smiling with excitement.

"I was putting clothing into the dryer when I felt a presence. I turned and saw Ella standing there, looking up at me," Mommy said. I was frightened, how could that happen? Had Alphonse and I actually exchanged souls? Had Mommy made that happen? "Oh, how wonderful it was, Alphonse."

"I'm glad, Mommy," I replied, hoping she didn't notice my trembling. She didn't.

"I thought that she was being punished for some reason, I was so worried when I didn't see her. I'm so much relieved now. You see, Alphonse, no one could tell me anything about here because there are so many more mysteries in the spiritual world than there are here," Mommy said.

I listened to her explain to me for a moment, though I was more consumed with thought about how she could have seen my own soul in the house.

"She couldn't help me with the laundry like she used to, the poor girl was flustered. I explained to her that she would never be filled with worry again, and that she must never be flustered. She will adjust to her new life in the spiritual world, otherwise.." Mommy trailed off.

"Otherwise what, Mommy?" I asked.

"Nothing, Alphonse. She'll be fine. Just as you and I will be fine. You and I will be together forever, until you don't need me anymore," Mommy said. Yes, we'll be together forever and ever until Mommy dies. And when Mommy dies, I will die with her. That was just the way it had to be, I will always need Mommy.

I was constantly afraid that I would wake up one day and Mommy would no longer see Alphonse. No matter how strong I grew, how well I did, I would wake one morning and Mommy would hate me for taking Alphonse out of her life forever. I had nightmares about it.

"Where is he?" she would ask. "How could he fall off that rock? Tell me everything?"

"He just leaned too far back," I would tell her, though I was always frightened. If I hadn't of grabbed his pole, would he have fallen? If I hadn't of played tug-a-war with him, would he still be here? Did I push or pull? Did I want him to fall?

As I laid in my bed, staring at Ella's, stripped and bare as it was, I imagined her laying there. She would surely be smirking, self-satisfied.

"You pushed me," I would accuse. "You didn't pull, you pushed me, and you made me fall off that rock." her smile would disappear just as her whole being did.

"You deserve to be dead! You deserve to be dead and buried along with your stupid dolls!" I shouted at the emptiness of the room.

That was what the spirits thought. What Mommy thought as well. Ella was gone. She would be dead and buried forever, and I would always be Alphonse. She would never be able to look at me with the guilt staining her face, and I was somewhat glad about that.

Whenever Mommy would look at me, she would see Alphonse. She would never be disappointed with me. All was well.

When Mommy and I went to do my annual testing at the public school, I could tell she was more nervous and anxious than usual. She was expecting all sorts of complications, but the doctor who took charge of the exams was surprisingly nice to us.

"It's often to have setbacks when things like these happen with siblings, but remarkably, your boy has shown improvement, Mrs. Elric. You should consider coming to public school, you're obviously a very talented teacher," he explained.

"We'll see," Mommy said. I knew that she wouldn't ever go to public schooling.

I knew that there was never any true promise in Mommy's 'we'll see'. As Mommy drove us home, I looked back at the school the way Alphonse would. The craving for the baseball field in his eyes, the longing of wanting to be in the hallways and smiling when he heard the shouts of the students.

"Don't gape, Alphonse," Mommy snapped. "You'll see someday, you're much luckier than they are. One day, you'll understand."

I don't know if it was because of the loneliness or if the spirits had begun to come out of the shadows, but whenever I looked at shadows, they seemed to take a shape, and soon enough I saw smiling faces my way. I told Mommy-I knew she would want to know. She seemed very pleased, but I couldn't tell her anymore since I couldn't say anyone had spoken to me or I had spoken to anyone.

I continued on with working, and Mommy worked me harder and harder. If she saw me stop and start to read, she would pounce on me and tell me to go out and gather the syrup. Harvesting our syrup was important, too.

When Alphonse was alive, he and I would have to gather the syrup out of the trees into the big pot where we would bring it to Daddy and he would show us how to boil it until it was the maple syrup we ate on our pancakes or Mommy cooked with. It was a hard enough job for the two of us, but now it was all mine, even the boiling part.

Occasionally, the postman or a service man would see me working outside and would remark to Mommy how big I had grown.

"You sure have a fine young lad there," the UPS man said one day when he was delivering our seeds and I was carrying the boxes to the bard.

"Yes," Mommy smiled. "He is going to be quite a young man soon."

"He's my salvation," she would add and whoever she was speaking to would nod and understand. Mommy needed salvation. Like some fire that had been smothered by tragedy, she needed rekindling.

For over a year after the tragedy, Mommy would mope around the house only wearing an old faded dress and worn out house shoes. Whenever we went out to the supermarket, she made little to no attempt to make herself up. People expected it that way, anyway.

She wore a cloud of gloom around her wherever she went. In her eyes, there was the reminder that she had lost her little girl. That her little girl had been snatched up and taken away, and who knew what had eventually been done to her or who had taken her, although the suspicions circling our unfortunate neighbor, Mr. Gurburt, lingered.

The stronger I was, the more work I completed, and the more Mommy looked healthier and happier. Eventually Mommy began to wear better clothes, take care of her hair, and even wear makeup when we went out shopping. I saw the way some men looked at her and I knew there were some that tried to get her to go on dates with them, but she brushed them off as if they were annoying flies.

I learned how to fix a leaking pipe, snake out our septic system, clear the gutters on the roof of leaves, and splice broken wires. What Mommy and I didn't know from her experiences, we read about in books that she acquired from either the library or bookstores.

I felt my arms tighten with every turn of a wrench and rap of a hammer. Even though I had a small frame, my diminutive facial features, my small hands, I eventually presented a tight fist of a figure, wiry perhaps more than muscular, but certainly tougher and thicker than most people my age, and quite different from any girls my age. That was certain.

It was going so well, I had no doubt she was right. Even birthdays went smoothly, birthdays when there was once doubles of everything and now there was only one. For the first few birthdays after the tragedy, she said Daddy and Ella were there, and he was holding her hand. I didn't see either of them.

I believed that Daddy was at my birthday party once, but that was when Ella was alive and in our world. I'm Alphonse, I reminded myself.

And then, like a lightning bolt from the reality that hovered around us and over us, I was struck with a realization one morning that burned fear through my body, singeing my very soul. It came with a small, almost unrealized ache. I yawned and ran the palm of my hand down my chest, The bump surprised me, and I sat up quickly. I felt for it again, on both sides. Then I stood up and went to the mirror. It could not be denied.

My breasts had begun to blossom.

What surprised me and even frightened me the most was that I forgot that it was coming. It had been so long since I had done anything that would be thought of as girl things. I didn't take a second glance in the mirror and thought about if I was good looking or not. Shortly after Alphonse recovered from his broken leg, Mommy took the television set and hid it under a tarp in the turret room once again. We didn't have any magazines in the house. The only time I thought about girl things was when Mommy and I went to the market and I caught a glimpse at a magazine or saw a girl.

I watched girls the way someone would stare at something foreign. Something extraterrestrial. I was afraid that Mommy would catch the longing in my eyes, so I tried to to be caught staring, or looked away quickly without much of a stare.

Sometimes the girls would stare at me in the store. What was it? I would always think, is there something about me that they saw themselves in? Something I couldn't cover and hide? I was always terrified some girl or even some girl or even some boy would look my way, laughing.

"What is that?" they would laugh. "She's not a boy and she's not a girl?"

Mommy would be devastated.

The best way to avoid that confrontation was to forget about it, and never ever think about it again. It was working well, until this happened. I couldn't help but feel that my body was betraying me, betraying the family. How could Ella insist on coming back to this body?

I had seen her dead and buried in our cemetery. I had buried her myself, deep within the earth. For a moment, I thought of cutting the buds off before they could get any larger, smothering Ella before she could return. I even pulled a knife to myself to do so, but then I stopped. I stopped and did what Mommy hated most.

I sat and cried.

Mommy walked past my open door and saw me sitting on my bed in only my underwear.

"What is wrong?" she asked urgently. When I didn't answer, she got angry. "What is it that could make a boy, who is almost a young man, weep like some sort of infant?" she snapped.

When I thrust my chest in her few, she grew silent. I couldn't even hear her breathe.

"Ella, you will go back. You will not come back to us like this. You cannot do this," Mommy said aloud. Loud enough that I could hear.

"Mommy?" I asked. I was ignored.

"My grandmother told me once about a relative who was a boy, developing into a girl. I will go through some of our ancient remedies and see if I can find something. Until then, never take your shirt off outside," Mommy ordered. It wasn't something I did anyway.

For a while, I tried to ignore what was happening to me. Though, my breasts grew more. Mommy made me drink remedies, and rub them on my skin. The hair on my arms seemed to grow a bit more and seemed a bit darker and thicker, but other than that, nothing else happened.

My breasts continued to grow.

One morning, Mommy saw me in my bedroom. I had been sitting on my bed in only my underpants and I began to touch my nipples.

"Stop!" Mommy shouted, interrupting me. I was startled, and had jumped, my hands separating from my breasts. Mommy found some bandages and tightened them over my breasts.

"From now on, I will be the only person to take this off of you and put it back on. Treat it as a wound, never touch it," Mommy told me. I nodded to her, not wanting to be in any more trouble than I already was. I already feared Daddy never speaking to me because of this.

"My Aunt's son went through this as well. My Aunt had lost her little girl who refused to rest in peace. She drove my cousin to suicide. This is what Ella wants. She wants you with her, Alphonse, and she won't stop until she has you. That is why we must cleanse ourselves of her. I don't want to do this, but I have to," Mommy told me. I just couldn't stop thinking.

Suicide? Is that what Ella would drive me to?

Mommy began to get rid of everything Ella owned. Her toothbrush, hairbrush, schoolbooks, bed. She even took things that could just be anyone else's. Like washcloths, the rug that was at the foot of her bed. Pencils and pens she had used, and drawings that she drew for Daddy that were on the fridge.

She made me dig up the grave for it all.

I began to dig before it began to rain. I looked up at the sky and turned to Mommy. "Shouldn't we wait until the rain stops?" I asked.

"No," she snapped. "finish it now." she said.

She didn't bother to help me, and the rain poured through the sky. The hole wouldn't get any deeper than it was with all of the mud through it. The muddy dirt was harder to dig up than the dry dirt. I continued to dig and dig until Mommy decided it was a futile effort. She lead me into the house and to the bathroom, stripping me of my clothing and unwrapping the bandages around my chest.

"You'll take a hot bath. I can't have you getting sick on me now. We have so many things to-" Mommy stopped what she was doing. Her eyes widened and she gasped, backing away from me. I turned to the full length mirror that was in my bathroom.

There was a line of blood trickling from the inside of my thigh.

The cramps in my stomach seemed more intense than ever now. I continued to stare.

"Ella, you must move on! Rest in peace!" Mommy shouted. I couldn't move. I just continued to stare at myself. Mommy continued to chant, "Ella, be gone!" she continued on and on.

I listened silently. "Chant with me. They're all speaking, can you hear them? What are they saying?" Mommy asked.

"Ella, be gone," I said. I thought that was what I heard. Mommy smiled.

"You do hear them. It shouldn't be long now,"

As the years went by, I matured, my breasts growing and rounding. I took to strapping myself down with the bandages, but I took them off at night for more comfort. Mommy knew I did so, but never said anything about it.

She always inspected me when I descended the stairs in the morning; ready to pounce on any mistakes I made.

One morning, she awoke me holding a strange item in her hand.

"Sit up," she ordered. I did as she said, not wanting to give her any reason for anger. She tightened an old corset she trimmed down on my chest. It did a sufficient job in strapping my breasts.

"You'll do this every morning. Tighten it as you need to," Mommy said. Nothing more was said on the matter. I understood that my sexuality was to be treated as illness.

Mommy realized the way that my body was maturing, curving, tightening. She then found her own way to compensate for my new found curves.

"There's nothing wrong with a boy being a little overweight," Mommy said as she would serve me extra buttery mashed potatoes. Surely fat would cover up any unwanted curves.

This wasn't right. Alphonse wouldn't be fat at my age. With all the activity he did, he would never be fat. But if I didn't eat everything on my plate, Mommy would make me sit at the table until I did. Once, I threw up from eating too much, and Mommy made me eat it all over again after she was sure I wouldn't throw up again.

I couldn't help but not like the way I was beginning to look. Mommy took out the full length mirror in my restroom. Her excuse was that the spirits didn't like seeing no reflection.

"It reminds them that they are no longer solid beings anymore," and our whole existence was to make spiritual beings feel comfortable.

I was walking at the edge of the woods. Usually, I didn't like to go out to the creek or the woods-ever since what happened; but I had slowly started to go in more and more.

This time, though, something was off. At the edge of the woods, I wasn't watching ahead of me. I bumped straight into someone.

Someone!

He was a boy, maybe of sixteen or seventeen. The top of his head was a sleek black and his eyes were onyx. His facial features were sharp, though I could see his face still had a bit of baby fat on it. He was so handsome, attractive. I had never thought of anyone like that before, blocking my sexuality.

He was wearing a white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of jeans. He smirked at me as I backed away, frightened.

"Hey there," he laughed as he saw me. Mommy's distrust in people had turned into my own attitude.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" I snapped.

"What a nice way to speak to your new neighbor," he chuckled.

"What?" I asked, confused. What did he mean?

"My family just bought Mr. Gurburt's property. You didn't know?" he seemed shocked that I wouldn't know something like that.

"We don't butt into anyone else's business." I frowned.

"I'm Roy Mustang," he held his hand out. "I don't bite."

I shook his hand. "I'm Alphonse Elric,"

"How long have you lived here?" he asked me.

"All my life. Didn't you notice the _'No Trespassing' _signs?" I emphasized on 'no'.

"Yeah, I did. You get a lot of hunters here, or something?" he asked.

"Usually people don't disobey the signs."

"How old are you?" he asked suddenly.

"Why?" I was shocked he would ask such a thing.

"Just to see if we would be in the same class next year. You do go to the public school, right?"

"No." I answered.

"What, some ritzy private school?" he smirked.

"I'm home schooled." I said.

"Really? Huh, not many people your age actually do that." he told me.

"My Mother's a teacher, and a great one. I'm always top scoring on my exams," I told him.

"Hey, maybe I could join your home school and get smart like you," he chuckled.

"No. It's just for me," I said with a glare.

"Aw, what, are you a Mommy's boy or something?" he laughed at his own joke. "So, what do you do around here?"

"I'm very busy. I feed the chickens, mow the lawn, clean out the gutter, wash the windows, tend to the garden, and study." I told him. I regretted it as soon as I did. He began to laugh at me.

"Don't you do anything fun? Jeez, what are you? A regular farm boy?" that smirk. "You gonna tell me you hunt, too?"

"No. I fish," I said quietly. "Who did you move here with?" I asked, wanting to change the subject.

"My Family. My older sister was getting into some trouble at home, so Dad moved us here," Roy told me.

"How old is your sister?" I asked.

"She's almost eighteen, and such a pain in the ass," Roy laughed. His laugh even sounded wonderful. "So, how old are you?"

"If you must know, I'm fifteen," I told him.

"Ah, I'm a year older than you. I'm sixteen, getting my license this year." Roy chuckled softly.

"So, how come you never talk about your Mother?" I asked.

"She died a long time ago," he told me. I regretted asking. I knew how painful it was for a parent to die.

"What about your Dad? What does he do?" he asked.

"He died a long time ago too.." I trailed off.

"I actually knew that," Roy said. I looked up at him. "Mr. Gurburt told us about you when we got the house. So, the cops never found the body, huh?" he asked. I knew he was talking about Ella. It was painful to talk about. I turned and immediately started to walk away.

"Oh, come on. Don't be so sensitive. Don't be such a pussy," he called after me.

I turned back to him.

"I am not sensitive, and I'm no pussy. Don't call me that," I snapped at him.

"Alright, alright," he told me. "I was just trying to calm you down."

"I know what the people around here think of my Mother and I. I don't need to be reminded," I said. I began to walk away again.

"Maybe they're right about you!" he called after me.

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><p><strong>Please review! <strong>


	6. New friend?

**Please read, and review ^_^**

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><p>I turned fifteen before I finally got the courage to return to the creek. When I did, there was a teenage boy who looked about my age sitting.<p>

"Who are you?" I demanded immediately. I was more afraid than brave.

"I'm Roy Mustang. Just moved in next door." The kid said. He had sleek black hair and onyx eyes. He looked well built, even through his shirt. He was pale, though I probably only thought that since my skin was tan from being outside working all the time.

"You know, I heard about your sister, Ella, I think it was. Cops never found her body?" Roy asked.

"What's it to you?" I growled. The subject was sensitive to me.

"I was just curious, damn." Roy said. "How old are you, anyway?" I gulped.

"Fifteen."

Roy smiled. "I'm only a year older than you. Ya know any other kids that hang around here?" Roy asked.

"No..I think there's a little kid a few miles down the road.: I said.

"Whatever. So, the school cool?" Roy asked more.

"I'm home schooled, so I wouldn't know."

Roy nodded. "So what do you do for fun around here?" Roy asked.

"I'm very busy. I garden, and read, feed the ducks, mow the lawn, and sometimes bring home dinner." I said simply.

"Wow, you're just a regular country boy. What are you doing at the creek anyway? You can't be here to swim, that would freeze your ding-dong." Roy said.

"My what?" I asked confused.

"Don't tell me you don't know what that means." Roy said. "Ever had a girlfriend?" Roy asked.

"No." I said. I was trying not to get distracted by his attractiveness.

"Well, you can come over to my house. My sister is pretty hot, and I have a peep hole through my room to see hers. Come by tonight and you can take a peek. She likes to get herself excited if you know what I mean." Roy said, raising his eyebrows up and down. It was amusing, and I laughed a small gruff.

Mother would always chaste me when I laughed too long. My laugh was like a melody, girly and obviously feminine.

I then said, "Maybe." before going back to the house. Mother was cooking meatloaf for dinner.

"Alphonse, dear, I'm not feeling too well. Why don't you eat dinner yourself. I'm going to bed." I nodded at my mother as she went to bed. I took my chance and went to Roy's house down the hill.

He was sitting on his porch silently. "You know I only came because my mother went to sleep." I said to him.

"Well, you came. That's all that matters." Roy said. He led me to his bedroom. When I looked in on his sister's-Riza-room I was mesmerized at the room. It was large, and pink, and there were clothes everywhere.

Mother had planned on separating Alphonse and I's bedroom before the accident. Though, she never did.

But all was well now. Because, I was Al. Whether I liked it or not.

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><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed! <strong>


	7. Evil

**Been updating a lot more lately! Hope you like ;)**

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><p>Mother was still asleep when I arrived home. I sighed in relief, and walked to my bedroom, unstrapping my breasts, and going to bed.<p>

When I awoke, I strapped myself back into the corset, and dressed. I wondered how much longer I would have to keep up this act.

I then walked downstairs. Mother was humming, seeming as though she had an idea in her head.

"Good morning, Mommy." I said as though I was in the house the entire time last night, and I had committed no taboo.

Mother then looked at me. Her eyes seemed angry. I wondered if she knew where I had been. She then smiled. Then she smirked.

"Good morning, Alphonse." She seemed to forget all about what she had been thinking before.

"Good morning, mommy. If you don't mind me asking, why did you seem so angry a moment ago?" I asked.

"Oh, Alphonse. You never really seemed to notice anyone's emotions. Usually that was your sister," this made me sadden slightly. "I was just told something evil may be coming our way," Mother said. "So be on the look-out."

I nodded. My mother then explained that she was going to her lawyers office, and then shopping. I nodded.

"Can I come too?" I asked. It had been so long since I had gone away from our small farm.

"No, sweetie. You would be bored." Mother said.

I nodded, though I was truly upset. She left, though I took this as an opportunity. I walked to my mother's bedroom. I hadn't been there since I was a small child. I looked at her vanity mirror. I bit my lip, and went through all of the powders and make-ups.

I experimented with what AI knew was rouge just as I saw Riza do. I put lipstick on, and wished I still had my lovingly long golden hair. My heart pounded heavily.

How I wished Alphonse was still here. My mother had started to feed me more than usual. She wanted me overweight to erase every possible curve. I stopped in my tracks when my mother's bedroom door opened.

"What are you doing?" Mother screamed. Before I could answer, I was grabbed by the arm, and dragged to my bedroom. I had tears streaming down my face.

I knew why I had to be Alphonse. I let him die. And if I let Ella out of my heart that became a closed chest, I would let Al die again.

She threw me in my room, and left. Though when I heard the click everything fell into place. I didn't even notice that my bedroom locked on the outside until this very moment.

"Mommy, please let me out!" I cried.

"No. I must fast you. This is what I've been told." I knew what she thought. She thought evil was inside of me. I stayed in my bedroom for two days with no food, and only a small bucket to do my business in.

I really began to feel as though my sexuality was an illness.

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><p><strong>I have two hours of studying to do this weekend, so I have a lot more time to update!<strong>


	8. Sexual Encounters

**Enjoy!**

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><p>When I was let out of my room, my mother acted as though nothing had happened.<p>

"Alphonse." Mother said. I felt anger in her statement. "Someone had the nerve to call us. They said their name was Roy Mustang. I told him you were sick." Mother finished, though I was certain she was still rambling on in her mind about how I shouldn't be friends with people.

"I-I don't think that was someone. Maybe someone's just playing a prank on us, like before." I said. There was someone who would persistently call our house. Back when Alphonse was still alive, the kid would spread rumors around the school we tested at that we were jointed at birth, and couldn't come to school because we had brain damage from being separated.

"Maybe." Mother said. I walked outside when I heard a car honk. Roy was in the drivers seat of a mustang. I thought that was quite funny. Roy Mustang in a mustang.

"Come here, pipsqueak." Roy shouted. I growled as I walked over to Roy and two girls. The girl in the front seat had short brown hair, and glasses. She kind of reminded me of a mouse. However the girl in the back seat had long flowing blonde hair, tied back in a neat pony-tail.

Her devine blue eyes were sparkling in the sunlight, though I noticed her breasts were slightly smaller than mine.

"This is Sheska," Roy motioned to the girl in the front seat. "and Winry." Roy motioned to the girl in the back. "Get in, we're gonna kill some time until my sister leaves the house. Unless you want to see her, Al." Roy joked teasingly.

I felt my ears turn red in embarrassment. We drove around for a long while before we stopped at Roy's house. "We are free! My sister is gone, my people." Roy said cheerfully. We all walked in and up to Roy's room. "And there you are, the last of my Central stash." Roy announced bringing out items I had only read about.

"Marijuana?" I asked. Roy nodded. Winry brought me downstairs.

"Come on, Al. Let's fuck." She said. All I could think was, _You sure are blunt aren't you?_

"I-I don't think so." I said.

"Come on. It won't be that bad." She lowered her white tank top, revealing her large breasts. All I could do was push her off of me, and run away.

I ran to my mother.

"Alphonse, where have you been?" Mother yelled, though I didn't care. I clung to her apron tightly. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Aw, what could be so bad? My little man." Mother said. My heart broke a little more as she said that. I explained everything to her. She calmed me.

"It'll be alright, Alphonse. We'll be alright. Just as we always are."

And for the first time since that day, I felt fine.

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><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	9. Special Place

**The long chapters are in! It took ALL DAY! Thanks for waiting! **

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><p>Roy popped out of the forest as if he had been waiting for days and days behind some tree to approach me at the first opportunity. I had just ginished feeding the chickens and repairing a gate when he came charging across the medow. I thought he was going to leap at me, but he stopped a few yards away, his hands on his hips.<p>

"You're a freak," he began. "You probably are homo. I don't know why I tried to be your friend." He waved his fist at me. "You'll get yours someday."

"Look, I'm sorry my mother went to your father, but I didn't want to be with Winry. She's disgusting."

"Disgusting? Why? Because she wanted to have sex with you? Is that disgusting? Is that what your mother teaches you? I feel sorry for you, even sorrier than I feel for myself, even though thank to you, my father took my car away and grounded me for a month."

"I didn't mean for that to happen to you, Roy."

"Yeah, right. Don't bother trying to make friends with anyone in this community. By the time I finish making up stories about you, no one will give you the time of day," he threatened. "You're a pathetic excuse for a man," he added, turned and marched back to the woods, his head down.

I felt tears burning my eyes. I wanted to call to him, to find some way to apologize, but I was too chocked up to utter a sound. I stood there watching him dissapear.

Then I turned, my own head down, and started for the house.

When I looked up, I saw mommy standing there on the porch, her arms folded under her breasts. She wasn't wearing a coat, just a blouse and skirt, but she didn't seem to care about the cold. As I drew closer, I saw she had a smile on her face. I was sure she had witnessed my confrontation with Roy.

"Did you see that?" She asked.

"What?"

"He couldn't get near you. He couldn't get close. He had to stand away from you and shake his fist and I'm sure make his stupid threats." She looked off toward the forest. "There is a wall between us and them, Alphonse, forever and ever, there is a wall."

She looked down at me. "You are safe," she said. "You will always be safe." She held out her arms. I stepped up on the porch, and she embraced me. Together we walked into the house, me pausing only for a instant to look back at where Roy had entered the forest and disappeared.

He disappeared like a dream would when I woke up.

During the weeks and then months that followed what had been my only read contact with young people my age, I felt like I was shrinking. THe world into which I had been born and which I had lived with my family seemed to become smaller and smaller, perhaps because I did not benture far beyong the immediate grounds around our house and barn, and perhaps because I began to realize how much I was missing.

With more and more time on my hands, I turned to our wonderful library of leather-bound books and read far beyond what Mommy required of me. The pages of these books, the wonderful stories and characters I met, were the roadways, the pathways, that enabled me to leave the confised of our protected home and its boundaries partolled by Mommy's spiritual army of ancestors.

These days I hardly ever left any other way. Mommy always seem to find a good reason why I shouldn't accompany her whenever she drove off the farm to shop or complete an errand.

"I'll be away only a little while," she would say, or she would tell me she was just doing this or that and there wasn't time to do anything else; therefore, there was no reason for me to go along. She never put any value on my need to see other places, meet other people, or have a change of scenery.

"There will be plenty of time for that later on," she would tell me if I uttered anything that suggested it. "Besides, these people living here don't want to see you, meet you, know you, Alphonse. They'll just use whatever they see to build more nasty gossip to fill their empty little lives."

I could just imagine what they were saying already. Roy surely fulfilled his threat and made up fantastic stories about me.

"Believe me," Mommy assured, "I know what's best for you. I've been told," she said with that finality that resonated whenever she said it.

In fact, _I've been told_ became her reason and her justification for almost everything I quesitoned, and once she said it, there was no other argument for me to make, for I had no doubt as to who had told her.

However, it was on the tip of my tongue to ask, "Why haven't I been told? When will I be party to all these discussions and revelations?"

I began to hope I never would be. Mommy was well into this other world and had crossed back and forth at will, it seemed, but look at how isolated she was, I thought. She no longer had any men friends and never socialized with anyone.

She regused to contact or return phone calls or letters from any living relative. Would this be my destiny?

Once, when I was very young, I desperately needed to make contact, to cross over, and when i believed I had, I thought I had won Mommy's deepest love forever and ever, but she still hovered over Alphonse, spreading her wings to protect and cuddle him. To be him was to be loved.

Many nights when I was by myself, I would stare out the window like she often did and wait for some sign. Sometimes I would gaze so long and hard, I eventually did think shadows took shape again. I did believe I saw faces, but they were all like bubbles floating by, bubbles that would burst as soon as they were seen.

I also began to hear whispering again. On the shallow wabes of the evening tide voices drofted. My brain became garbled with all these images and bisions. I didn't know what to believe.

I told her about it, and she said it was normal. I was close. I was always close. Just be good. Just listen and do my work, and it would come. This loneliness would end, and I would be part of this wonderful community that had chosen us and our farm. I would inherit all of Mommy's powers and abilities. This was my real legacy, and how could I doubt it? After all, she had been told.

But this promise didn't stop me from feeling more and more boxed in.

When I read _Macbeth_, I was stunned by the witches' prediction that Macbeth would be destroyed when the woods came to his castle. Lately, feeling my world shrinking, I thought out woods was coming closer and closer.

Perhaps it was just an illusion, but for it it was real. The entire outside world was pressing out boundaries, squeezing, pushing. Eventually, we would be swallowed up and gone. I thought about it more often, but this was an idea I never expressed.

Although Mommy saw me reading more and more, saw me curled up under a light with a book well into the week hours, she didn't say antyhing. Sometimes she smiled, and sometimes she looked thoughtful.

She seemed unsure. Should she stop me? Should she encourage me? I was sure she thought that at least when I was reading, I wasn't questioning and complaining. Her world was quiet and comfortable, as it should be. We were safe.

The library we had was old. It had what I imagined were very valuable editions of famous novels and books. Great-Grandmother Jordan had begun to collect volumes, and Grandmother Jordan continued to do so. I suspected neither of them really had read what they had brought into the house. I was confident they wouldn't have approved of some of these stories.

Nevertheless, they acquired them because of their vintage. They stopped at antiques fairs, used-book stores, and wherever they could find lether-bound copies. Some were gifts from Great-Grandfather Jordan and Grandfather Jordan. I saw the inscriptions, the scratchy signiaturessprawled over a page: _"On the occasion of your birthday," "Merry Christmas," _even a _"Happy Anniversary."_

Perhaps that was the real reason Mommy never stopped me from reading these books. There was a history attatched to them, a family history, and anything that had to do with our ancestry was important. After all, my grandparents and great-grandparents had at least touched them once, and that touch made them into something sacred, another of the many parts of the spiritual world that circled us like planets in our solar system.

Some of these novels, however, were about great loves, and descriptions of the beautiful women and handsom men, the wonderful and glaa events, the dresses, the celebrations, and the eloquence of their worlds fascinated me. It filled my nights with dreams in which I saw myself throwing off my jeans, flannel shirts, and boots and then flucking beautiful stylish dresses out of a magical closet.

The moment I put one on, my hair grew longer and softer and more glamorous, the calluses left my hands, my eyebrows thinned and took shape, my lips were moist and bright with sexy lipstick. I was dainty, and I could spin about and laugh with a melodic sound that would fill the hearts of me who longes to hold my hand, to kiss my lips, to touch my breasts, my poor concealed and smothered breasts that sometimes ached and tingled beneath the tight wrap.

Perhaps because of my reading, memories of a little girl returned more vividly. Yes, I remembered my dolls, my teacups, my dollhouses, and my coloring books, and my beautiful ribbons. Yes, I remembered the scent of my clothes, my crinoline and silk, my beautiful pinks, my little fur jacket Daddy had bought me for one of my birthdays.

All of it rested beneath the eart outside our house. I even dreamed of digging all of it up at night secretely.

But of course, I never would.

Nevertheless, these feelings that I kept in my heart as securely under lock and key as I could were heightened with every passing day. They clamored to be heard more and more as winter began it's inevitable retreat and the fingers of warm spring and renewal crept in everywhere.

The ice and the snow melted under the warmer, more frequent sunlight. Trees began to bud and our meadow turned greener and greener. Side by side, Mommy and I worked the softened earth, turning it over in our garden. We planeted, we cultivated, and then we began to freshen everything up around us, restoring coloring to the wood cladding, painting the porch floors with protective stains, washing down windows and shudders.

There was always a lot to do after winter unshackled the earth and fled the warmer sun. I was happy to have the work, to be able to occupy myself as much as I could. I wanted to be tired at the end of the day.

It helped me fall asleep, which was something that lately had become more and more difficult to do quickly. Too many nights I lay awake for hours and hours hearing the music I read about in my books, seeing the handsome men flirting or dancing with beautiful women, listening in on the whispered words of love between them, words I had memorized and whispered myself.

Their silhouettes moved on my walls. I felt sure it was better than watching television Mommy forbid anyway.

Sometimes, when I thought about a love scene I had read, I let my hands move over my body. I thought about what Roy told me about his sister Riza, and I recalled the sensuous way she touched herself and gazed at her body. The tingling I felt surging through me frightened and yet delighted me.

If I longed for it too much, I pressed my face into my pillow as hard as I could. Mommy's footsteps would also set me into a mad retreat, holding my breath while I chased away the images and visions. But it was impossible to stop the dreams, dreams in which I felt lips on mine, hands on my breasts, and dreams in which I recited pages and pages of wonderful romance.

I tried to repent, to pray for forgiveness, to avoid Mommy's powerful eyes. The work did help, but it didn't completely stop it all from happening. Time's not on my side, I thought. Every passing day, passing hour, makes it harder and harder.

How would it end? I wondered. Or more important, how would it begin? So much of my life was in limbo, I thought, so much had yet to start.

Of course, the promise that Mommy made to daddy long ago, the promise that we would someday attend a public school, drifted away like smoke. To further ensure that, she made special arrangements for my schoolastic testing this particular year. As if she anticipated how much more I wanted to see other students my age, she fixed it so that I was brought to the school hours after dismissal.

There were very few students in the halls or on the school grounds. She whisked me into the building, hovering so close to me as we walked down to the classroom that she had practically had me in blinders. I was in and out with little delay. I wasn't there long. The test was easier than ever, which pleased Mommy.

On the way there and on the way home, with even greater intensity than before, I felt myself gobbling up everything I could see. My eyes were everywhere, looking at everything, every person, every color, style of clothing, even every movement people made, especially young women.

Mommy warned me about gaping, of course, but I couldn't stop myself. I tried looking forward, but my eyes seemed to have a mind of their own, and like two steel marbles drawn to magnets, they shifted from one side to another.

By the time we got home, Mommy looked very annoyed with me. She rattled off some work for me to do and sent me to the barn to get tools. I worked, and tried to forget, but it wasn't easy. The only place to go for any sort of peace of mind was back to the books and then, since the weather had turned so warm so quickly, finally back into the forest.

Most of the trees were thick with leaves again, creating small shadowy areas. Walking within, I could look up through the translucent green ceilings and see a muffled sun. One day I just decided I would find a comfortable place and do my reading there, far from Mommy's critical or suspicious eyes.

"Don't leave our property," Mommy warned me, and I promised I never would without her premission or without her. Still, she looked unhappy about my going anywhere that was out of her sight.

Sometimes, to ease her mind, I would take my fishing gear along, even though I didn't do any fishing. Just south of the stream, I found an area shaded by pine trees. The perfumed air smelled wonderful, and my special place had a matted-down floor with rick, cool, dark earth.

I could spread out, get some sunshine if I wanted, and relax. Squirrels and rabbits watched me curiously from a safe distance, twitching their noses to be sure the scents I brought with me didn't suggest anything threatening.

Birds chirped and did their aerial acrobatics around me as if they had finally found an appreciative audience. Once, I saw a small doe. It was almost impossible to see it because it blended so well with the surrounding foliage, but I caught a slight movement of its ears, and then slowly I sat up and stared at it while it stared back at me.

"Hi," I said, and then it moved off quickly.

Our winter had been colder than usual, but our spring was already warmer and acting more like our summer. I wore coveralls and my bland white short sleeved shirt. I brought _Rome and Juliet_ with me because I wanted to reread it. I had read it quicly two years ago, and I was sure that I didn't understand or appreciate it then.

As I read about their defiance and determination to be lovers, my heart pounded with excitement. Being something forbidden, their love seemed more intense.

I put the play aside and lay back to look up at the sky through the branches of the pine trees. For a while I just watched the way the clouds glided with a wonderful silence across the light, ice blue heavens. I closed my eyes and thought about Romeo and Juliet's first kiss. And then, I imagined it was happening to me.

I, too, suddenly found a great need to be defiant, to be in danger and to taste that excitement. My hands moved over my body, exploring, discovering. I slipped off the top of my coveralls and then lifted my shirt over my head. For a while I just lay there breathing hard, terrified of what I had already done, but now that I had, I couldn't stop myself from continuing.

I undid the corset around my bosom until I was totally exposed to the air, my releaed breasts tingling with the sensation of being in the open, feeling the breeze over them. Slowly, I brought my fingertips to my nipples, and then I moaned and went on to lip completely out of my coveralls.

I took off my underpants, and for a long, terrifying moment of exquisite excitement, I lay there naked and fully revealed.

Never had I done this outside my house. Waves of thrilling titillation flowed over me. I trembled so hard, I thought my bones were rattling. It felt like warm hands were moving up my thighs to my forbidden place. Suddenly there was a rush of excitement-like an explosion-inside me.

It was shockingly delicious and then so frightening, I hurried to put my clothing on again. As quickly as I could, I dressed and wrapped mmyself more tightly in the corset, pulling the strings until I could barely breathe. When that was done, I picked up my book and literally fled my wonderful spot.

Running helped me calm down. I ran as hard as I could until I broke out of the forest and then stopped at the edge of our meadow to catch my breath. My face was so hot, I knew it was crimson. I didn't go back to the house. I circled through the woods, found another shady spot, and rested.

What had happened? What had I done? All I could think was that Mommy would know the moment she set eyes on me. Or worse yet, she would be told.

When I felt sufficiently calmed down, I walked slowly back to the house. I'm sure I entered like a prisoner entering death row in some penitentiary. Mommy stepped out of the living room. She had her needlework in hand.

"Oh, Alphonse," she said when she saw me. "I just had the most terrifying thought."

I waited, my heart thumping.

"Here we are, approaching your birthday, and I have not planned out a single thing. I don't know what's come over me these days," she said and smiled. "But don't worry. This will be a special one. I promise."

She kissed me on the cheek and then went on to the kitchen.

I stood there watching her walk away. She wasn't told anything. She knew nothing.

I was all right. Everything was strangely all right. Maybe it was because I had gotten away with it, or maybe it as because I couldn't get the feelings, the excitement out of mind, but just thought of returning to my special place filled me with exhilaration. I tried to stay away. I tortured myself, tormented myself, teased myself.

One day I started toward it and then turned around and hurried back. Another day I forced myself to sit at the edge of the pond and not go anywhere close to my special place. I put up as much resistance as I could, knowing in my heart that I would lose the battle, that I would soon surrender and return.

Finally, I did.

And I took _Romeo and Juliet_ with me again. I couldn't reread it enough. I was at the point where I practically had the whole play memorized and certainly had memorized my favorite lines. When I reached my special place, I stood back hesitantly. It had become so magical. If I go to the same spot and if I lie down again and start to read, surely the same things will happen, I thought. I closed my eyes and held my breath and tried to turn around to go home, but it was too powerful.

There was a calling, and the voice calling to me was inside me. It could not be denied.

I sprawled out and tried to read, but my eyes kept drifting off the page. My heart was beginning to race. I felt my breathingg quicken. Lying back, I looked up through the branches again. The sky was cloudless today, the blue looking softer. I closed my eyes. Once again warm fingers were beginning to travel all over me, caressing, exploring.

Slowly, I began to undress, and soon I was naked under the sun, lying there and feeling the warm breeze flutter over my body. I took deep breaths and touched myself everywhere, and everywhere I touched, there was almost an electric shock of pleasure. How powerful it all was, I thought , and how naive it was of me to think I could ever resist.

I kept my eyes closed and envisioned the handsome men in my books, dreamed of what Romeo must have looked like, heard those beautiful words, words that were now being said to me.

And then I heard a branch crack. It was more like a clap of thunder.

I opened my eyes slowly, and when I looked up, I saw Roy standing there gazing down at me, his mouth twisted, his eyes wide. I felt every muscle in my body freeze. His lips moved, but for a few moments nothing came out, no words, no sounds. He looked like he was still having trouble swallowing. I was still, deathly still. Finally, he spoke.

"You're a girl?" he asked to confirm what his eyes were saying.

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><p><strong>Okay, so what's gonna happen now? Review bunches and you can find out sooner!<strong>


	10. Awakened

**I've been trying to make these as long as possible. So please, enjoy! **

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><p>With lightening speed, the realization about all that could happen followed that clap of thunder that still resonated in my ears. Exposed and revealed, I would be the biggest disaster in Mommy's life. All of our spiritual family would be blown away in the wind of outrage that would follow. And they would never return.<p>

Mommy would collapse in defeat and dissapointment. Our lives would be ruined forever and ever. I could not leave the property and attend any school or be seen in the community. Where would we go? What would happen to us? What had I done?

"Please," was all I could utter.

His twisted, wry smile of astonishment softened.

"You're a girl," he said now with full realization. "Sure, that explains it all. I was convinced you were gay, and so were the girls."

His expression continued to change and turn until his eyes were full of impish laughter and delight.

"And you're not that bad either," he said.

The chains of ice that had tightened over me melted away. I turned to reach for my clothing, and he surprised me by stepping on it all.

"Not so fast," he said. "I'm not through. Why do you pretend to be a boy? What is this? What's your mother doing?"

"It's none of your buisness," I said, my eyes now clouding with tears.

"Oh, yes, it is," he said with some anger. "You made a fool of me. You made a fool of everyone. You're wacky as hell, both of you." He paused as a new thought came to him. "Who disappeared in your family anyway? Were there two girls or what? What's going on here?"

"I said it was not your buisness," I told him. "Get your feet off my things."

Instead of doing that, he lowered himself to his knees and continued to widen his smile.

"So what's your real name, Alphonse? Alphonsella or something like that?"

"No," I said, my arms now over my breasts and my legs crossed.

"How do you keep those boobs so well hidden?" He looked at the clothing and held up the modified corset. "With this? Doesn't that hurt?"

"Leave me alone," I begged.

He dropped it and wiped his hands on his pants as if it was contaminated.

"Is all this some sort of magic thing your mother performed? Did she put a spell on you and turn you into a girl?"

I shook my head, the tears now climbing over my lids and falling forward to stream down my cheeks.

"Mayve I'm seeing things," he said. "A spell has been put on me, too, huh?" He laughed. "Only one way to find out," he added, and that surge of cold fear began at the base of my stomach and slid up and over my breasts like a thin layer of ice.

"Go away!" I cried.

He leaned forward to grab my shoulders and push me down. I struggled with him, but he was too strong and was able to pull my arms away from my breasts. He gazed down at them and then slowly brought his lips to my nipples. I tried kicking at him, vut he was over my stomach, and I couldn't hit him hard enough.

I couldn't prevent what was about to happen. He kissed and suck, and then he lifted his head and smiled.

"Not bad for a boy," he said. I continued to resist. "Stop it," he commanded. "Or I'll tell the whole world what I discovered. The police will probably come to your house, I bet," he added.

The realization that they might just do that shit down my resistance. My arms softened and he pulled them straight and down to my sides.

"So why were you so interested in looking at my sister? Are you gay?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"You were fascinated. You got a long look at her. Don't tell me you didn't."

"It wasn't for that reason," I said.

"Sure."

"Get off me, please," I begged.

He thought and looked at me again, and then he released my wrists, but instead of getting off, he brought his hands to my breasts and fondled them.

"Nice," he said. "You could be pretty if you let yourself be what you are," he added.

"Please," I begged. His fingers continued to touch and squeeze.

"Why were you lying hear naked? You were getting yourself excited, is that it?" he asked before I could reply. "Why waste it?" he added.

The fear I had felt before returned behind a drumbeat that echoed through my bones. He was smiling wider, his eyes full of lust. I shook my head, but he leaned back, still sitting on my stomach, and began to undo his belt buckle.

"Stop!" I cried.

"Why? You've got to know what you've been missing, what you probably want anyway. Who better to show you than me, your only friend?"

I shook my head, and then, when he lifted off me, I turned, but he pushed me down and brought his mouth to my ear.

"You better not get me mad," he said. "I'll go right from here to the phone and tell the whole world what I have seen. You want that? Well?"

"No," I mumbled.

"Then stop fighting me," he said. "You wont be sorry. I promise."

I heard him continue to undress. I was sick with fear now, but in a strangly bizarre way, curious, too. It was almost like a baby putting her finger in a candle flame. Everything told her it was dangerous, especially the heat as she brought her finger closer and closer, but the light was mesmerizing and fascinating, and she could not stop herself until she touched it or it touched her and she screamed with shock and pain.

Why was something so beautiful so harmful?

He turned me over so I was on my back again, and he lifted my legs and put himself comfortable between them.

"Feel that?" he asked. "That's what you pretended you had," he said and laughed.

I shook my head. "Don't do this," I pleaded.

"Do what? How could I do this to you? You're a guy, just like me," he said, and he pressed on.

It was painful. I cried out, but my cries just made him more aggressive, it seemed. He was in me, pushing forward. I felt my whole body shudder. I kept my eyes closed just the way someone terrified of what was in the dark might, but at one point, I couldn't contain my curiosity, and I opened my eyes and looked at him.

He had his eyes closed, and he was obviously in some ecstatic state. His body trembled, and then I felt him quiver inside me, which despite my fear and resistance made me quake as well.

Then he seemed to collapse over me, his breathing so hard and heavy, I thought he might die. Slowly, he lifted himself away and sat back.

"A friend of mine used to say that was like breaking in a horse," he said and laughed. "I promise you," he said as I reached for my clothing, "it won't be half as bad next time, which means it will be twice as good."

"There won't be a next time," I said.

"Oh, yes, there will, he countered, and then he reached for my arm and pulled me back. "Yes, there will. Matter of face, I want you here tomorrow, same time, same place."

I shook my head.

"If you're not here, everyone finds out what I know, understand? I'll be here. I won't wait a minute either. No show, everyone knows. That's the deal, get it?"

"You're a horrible person," I said.

"Me? Hey, I'm not the one telling the world I'm a voy, and I'm not the one with a mother who says that, too. Here she made herself out to be such a goody-goody to my father and got me in deep trouble. I still want to know, who really disappeared? Did anyone, or was that some sort of lie, too?"

I didn't answer. I put on my underthings and my jeans quickly. He sat back to watch.

"Let me see how you hide those boobs," he said. "Go on."

I tried doing it with my back to him, but he demanded I turn around so he could watch.

"That's got to hurt," he said with a grimace. "Why do you keep pretending to be a boy?"

I didn't speak. I continued to dress. He did, too. When I was finished, I started away, and he caught up to me, seizing my hand to spin me around.

"Remember," he said. "Same time, same place tomorrow, or else. I mean it," he threatened.

I lowered my head in defeat, and he laughed.

"It's not so bad. You're going to enjoy it more and more. I promise."

He released me, and I shot away from him. I charged through the woods and didn't realize until I was nearly to the meadow that I had left my leather-bound copy of _Romeo and Juliet_ back there, but I wasn't about to turn around and get it. I was afraid he would mistake that for a desire to be with him if he was still anywhere near the now infamous special place.

The book would be fine as long as it didn't rain, and it didn't look like it would tonight. When I reached the meadow, I paughsed and then just sat myself down to cry. I sobbed and sobbed and then finally, my well of tears drained, stopped and just sat there staring at an anthill.

I watched them working frantically. My thoughts went back to Alphonse and how fascinated he had been when he discovered his first anthill. Somehow, because of what had just happened, I thought I had betrayed him. I thought I had betrayed everyone and I would soon be punished for it. It was really my fault, after all.

If I hadn't done what I had done, Roy wouldn't have discovered me. I had pulled back a protective curtain and let someone outside of our precious world look in and see us as we were. What was I to do now?

I wiped away the tears that lingered on my cheeks, and then I rose and slowly walked toward the house. Before I went intside, however, I went to the old well, drew up some water, and washed my face. What I must do now, I thought, was tell Mommy everything.

Surely she would be angry, but she would also know what we should do, or she would ask for spiritual guidance. What other choice did I have.

With my head bowed, I entered the house. I heard the melodic tinkle of one of Mommy's antique music boxes, and I walked slowly into the dining room doorway because it was coming from there. When I looked in, I felt the breath go out of my lungs.

The room was decorated with cepre paper and with balloons, and sprawled in paper letters across the mirror were the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALPHONSE.

Mommy appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. She wore an apron, and she looked very pretty with her hair brushed and pinned neatly. She wore lipstick, and she wore one of her nicest dresses, the light blue on with the sequin collar. The table was set.

"I told you I would do something special for you," she said.

I was stunned. I had forgetting it was my birthday. How could I?

"Remember that music box?" she said, nodding the ivory box embossed with a sehorse in black. "My great-grandfather bought it in New York City for my great-grandmother Elsie. Recognize the tune? I play it from time to time on the piano."

"Yes," I said in a small voice. " 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik' by Mozart," I said.

"Yes. I would never guess you'd remember that. You were never good at remembering the music, Alphonse. How wonderful. I guess you are becoming a charming little gentleman. Go put on something nice for dinner and let's celebrate," she said. "I'm making your favorite meal, rack of lamb with mint jelly," she said and returned to the kitchen.

I stood there looking at the table and the birthday greeting. The music box played on. It tapped a new well of tears inside me. Before Mommy could see me crying, I turned and hurried upstairs.

I couldn't break her heart.

I just couldn't.

I showered and then dressed in a nice shirt and pair of pants. Even after all that, I was unable to stop the trembling. I saw it in my fingers when I went to button my shirt. Every once in a while I had to fight off an urge to cry, and swallow back what felt like a ball of hard candy in my throat.

When I went downstairs, Mommy was waiting at the table. She looked at me expectantly and gazed about the room.

"Well?" she asked.

I knew what she wanted me to say. She wanted me to say I saw Daddy.

"He promised," she added, almost in a whisper.

I forced a smile, took a deep breath, and slowly panned the room, pausing when I reached her. Then I widened my smile. Mommy put her right hand on her left shoulder as if she was covering Daddy's.

"Happy birthday, dear Alphonse," Mommy said. "From both of us."

I stared. Was he there? Did I see him? Was he as young as I remembered? How desperately I needed him.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Mommy asked. "To be together again like this?"

I nodded.

"Now you sit down, Alphonse. I want you to enjoy every moment. I mean we both want you to enjoy every moment. I have your favorite cake, too, and afterward, there is a big surprise waiting for you in the living room," she said.

I turned to look back through the doorway.

"No, no, you have to wait. Patience. All good things come to those with patience," she said and rose.

I sat at the table and stared ahead. "Are you there, Daddy?" I whispered. "Show me, please. Touch me, speak to me, please," I pleasded.

I closed my eyes and prayed. And I did think I felt him beside me, touching my shoulder. I waited, and then felt his lips on my cheek.

"Happy birthday," I heard and snapped my eyes open. I turned quickly, but he wasn't there. I hadn't seen him. Perhaps I had lost any chance to ever see him.

Mommy entered with our food and stopped to look at me.

"Everything all right?" she asked.

"Yes," I said quickly.

"As it should be," she said. "As it should be."

It was a wonderful dinner, and the cake was delicious. Despite the swirling ball of sadness that lingered in my stomach, I ate well. Mommy talked about so many things she wanted us to do about the farm.

"I want a better, bigger garden, and I'm going to sell some of my herbs to Mr. Bogart. He has customers. I can make a handy amount of money for us. I want you to have new clothes, and I'm thinking of getting some new things for myself as well. Most of all, Alphonse, I'm getting us a new car. You're going to learn how to drive, too. Now, with this birthday, you're eligible for that, you know. I can't wait to begin to teach you how to drive," she said.

How wonderful it all sounded. If I got my license, I could go places. This world would no longer be shrinking for me. Surely she meant for that to happen. How could I say one word to discourage her or depress her? We must both be happy, I thought. We must.

After the dinner was over and we had eaten the cake, she declared it was time to go into the living room to see my surprise. Whatever it was, it was gift-wraooed and left on the floor. The shape of it confused me.

"Go on, Alphonse," Mommy said. "Open it."

I started to take it apart neatly.

"Just rip it open," she said and I did.

I stared down at a chain saw.

"You're old enough to handle that sort of thing now, and we needed a new one, but small enough for you to handle well," Mommy said. "You'll be able to cut firewood for us, harvest our woods. Of course, you'll have to be very, very careful. There is an instruction book in there, too. I want you to follow the rules and procedures exactly. Well? I guess you're too overwhelmed to speak. I know how much you like things with engines, how you like to ride our mower and how much you loved your electric trains."

I continued to stare at it.

I wanted to think of it as Alphonse would. I wanted to be as excited as he would be, but I couldn't do it. All I could do for Mommy was smile and look at the booklet.

"My little man," she said and came over to kiss me on the forehead. "I'm going to clean up. Read the booklet," she told me and left me.

I felt like I was turning inside out. I didn't want chainsaws. I wanted hewlery and new clothes. I wanted a radio for my room. I wanted to know about the music they talked about in Roy's car. I wanted a television set. I wanted to have my own phone, but more important, I wanted friends to call.

I wanted a birthday card that said, "I've registered you for public school. Happy birthday."

But I would have none of that. Not for a long time, maybe not forever now, I thought.

I sat staring at the window because I could see myself reflected. Now who was I? I wondered. Now that what has happened, happened, who could I be? Maybe I'm nobody. Maybe I'm on of Mommy's spirits, and I don't exist. Maybe it was I who had fallen off that rock and who had died in the stream.

Mommy came back and sat at her piano. She called me to sit beside her, and like a tired ghost, I rose and went to her. I really felt like I was floating. Her fingers danced on the keys. The melody flowed. Mommy nodded at the windows.

"They've all gathered to listen," she said.

I looked but saw nothing. She was so sure of it. Were they there, and were they happy that I had kept their secret?

Now I wondered, how long could I?

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><p><strong>Please, please, please, PLEASE, Review! I love reviews, and it will encourage me to post more! <strong>


	11. Roy

**Hey guys, this chapter took a LONG time, and it's pretty long, so please enjoy it!**

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><p>I was trembling almost as soon as I had woken the following morning. Never was the tick of the small clock on the nightstand of my bed as loud. I wished I could somehow reach up and stop the sun from moving across the sky.<p>

I would not have to face the decision that I soon could not avoid. Fortunately, Mommy was so excited about all the new things she was going to do, she didn't notice how distracted I was, nor how quiet I was being at breakfast.

She ran on and on about what she was planning to do all day, and then she surprised me by offering to take me along.

"Especially to look at new cars. I know how much you're going to be interested in all that, Alphonse," she said.

Panic, like a Ping-Pong ball, began to bounce about in my stomach. If I went with her, I would not be able to meet Roy, and he would surely follow through on his threats.

I had no idea yet what I would do when I did meet him. I raked up every scattered thought in my brain to put together ideas, ways to get away from him and yet stop him from hurting Mommy and me.

I thought I might offer him money. I didn't know how much to offer, but I decided I would start with a thousand dollars, which to me was a fortune. I would find ways to get him some periodically until I reached that amount.

Surely that would keep him satisfied and quiet for a long time, I thought. He needed money for his car, didn't he? It was worth a try.

"Oh," I told Mommy, "I was hoping to use my chain saw for the first time."

She stopped and smiled.

"Of course you were," she said. "How foolish of me to give you something so exciting for you and then suggest you put it off to go on shopping errands. I'm very happy that's more important to you, Alphonse. We can look for a car another day. I have to see Mr. Bogart and do some other things that would only bore you. You'd do some other things that would only bore you. You'd be on pins and needles waiting to get home. You just go about your business," she told me, and I breathed easier.

She didn't leave until after lunch, and when I watched her drive off, I stood trembling. Never had I kept so many secrets from her. I expected her to reveal she knew, she had been told.

I was holding my breath so much, I was sure I looked red in the face most of the time.

Her car disappeared around the turn at the driveway, and I was alone. The clocks ticked on. My confrontation with Roy was only hours away. Think, think, think, I told myself.

You have to bring this to a quick end. Distraught and feeling helpless, I decided to go to the little cemetery to pray for guidance, to pray for some sign, to pray for Daddy to come to me, to help me.

A partly cloudy sky made the granite tombstones darker. I stood where I knew my brother's body lay. Was his spirit in limbo, just waiting to see what I would do, how I would affect all our destinies?

I hated to have all this responsibility. If Mommy only knew how both of us, all of us, tottered at the edge of some great dark hole into which we could fall and disappear, she would be in so much panic.

"Help me, Daddy," I pleasded. "Tell me what to do. Please, please."

I bowed my head, and I waited and hoped. Then I stepped forward as I had seen Mommy do so often, and I touched the embossed hands on Infant Jordan's stone.

I kept my eyes closed, and I concentrated with all my powers. It did seem to me that the hands moved. I snapped open my eyes and looked at them.

It swirled around me, and then I thought I heard Daddy's voice in the wind that flew through the trees and over the house.

"Be patient," he said. "Be confident. All will be well. Never tell your mother any of this. Follow your heart. Promise. Promise me."

"Yes, Daddy," I whispered. "Yes, I promise."

The gust of wind that had come so suddenly just as suddenly stopped. The branches of the trees that had been waving were still again.

In fact, it seemed as though the whole world was holding it's breath and not just me. I sucked in mine, touched the tombstone once more, and left the little cemetery.

Of course, I had no intention or real desire to use the new chain saw, but I read the booklet and then followed the directions to start it so that Mommy would see I had tried it.

I closed my eyes, and when I put it on a fallen dead log, it bounced and nearly flew out of my hands.

By then, I noticed the time. I had to go to meet Roy. I put the chain saw aside and started for what had once been my wonderful, special place.

All this was my fault. There was no way to avoid admitting that. I had let something evil take me over, and now I was suffering the consequences.

As I trekked through the forest, I rehearsed what I would say, how I would make my offer. In the pocket of my jeans, I had two crisp fifty-dollar bills Daddy had given me a long time ago.

They were brand-new bills. Along with it, I had another amulet. It was a red coral Mommy had given me last year. I would offer it to him as well. Surely, I thought, Roy would be impressed.

When I stepped out of the clump of trees and gazed at my spot by the pine, I first thought he was not yet there. For a few moments, I considered the possibility that he had already decided to expose me and Mommy and he had no interest in seeing me again.

He had taken what he wanted from me. He would be a big hero in the school, after all, and even after only knowing him a little, I understood how important that was to him.

It was difficult for me because I had mixed emotions about it. I didn't want to see him again, but I didn't want him to betray me. What he had done to me had left me feeling violated, and yet, it had further opened an otherwise forbidden door through which I had glimpsed another world.

Suddenly I saw a movement at the base of the pine tree, and then I saw Roy's onyx hair. He shifted and leaned forward enough to see me. He smiled, and I also saw a trail of smoke rise and drift into the breeze.

"Right on time," he said. "Lucky for you. I wasn't going to give you a minute. I don't want you to ever keep me waiting," he added.

I stepped forward and saw he was lying on a dark green blanket.

"What are you standing there for? Get over here," he commanded.

Slowly, I walked toward him. He puffed on his cigarette, which I could now see and smell was his marijuana. He ran his hand over the blanket.

"Why not be comfortable, huh?" he said.

I stood there looking down at him.

"Did you tell all your friends about me?" I immediately asked.

"If I had, would I be here?" he countered. "And if I had, believe me, you and your mother would know it by now. I don't welsh on a bargain," he said. "You promised me something and I promised you something."

"I didn't promise anything."

"Yes," he said smiling and puffing. "You did, whether you like it or not."

"Roy, I can give you money," I blurted.

"Money? What kind of money?"

"I can give you a thousand dollars if you'll swear to leave me alone and not tell anyone about me. Look," I said pulling the two fifties out of my pocket to show him," I have some of it here right now."

He puffed on his joint and stared. Then he smiled.

"I didn't know you could get your hands on money, too. That's great. Sure, I'll take your money, but that doesn't meant I don't want anything else," he added.

"What do you mean? If I promise to give you so much money, isn't that a bargain?"

He shook his head and looked more closely at my two crisp bills.

"It's not enough," he said.

"I can get more, but not right away. I'll give you as much as one thousand dollars," I added quickly. "I'll have to give it to you as I get it."

"Oh, you will anyway," he said. "Give me the two fifties!" he demanded and held out his hand. "C'mon, hand it over."

"But what will you promise?"

"Not to tell," he said. I hesitated. "Well, you want me to tell?"

I gave him the money. He folded the bills and stuck them into his pants pocket.

"Perfect," he said.

"I have something else for you if you'll promise to leave me be," I said, fingering the amulet in my pocket. I didn't like giving it away. It was something Mommy had bought for me, but I thought she would approve if she knew why I was doing it.

"What?"

"This," I said and showed him the red coral amulet. He grimaced.

"What's that?"

"It's a spiritual gift. It's red coral and it had powers. If you wear it all the time, it will make you courageous, improve your memory, calm you emotions, give you peace of mind, and prevent tension that can cause heart trouble," I recited just as Mommy had recited to me. "It's very, very valuable, Roy."

He continued to grimace. "You believe in all that?"

"I know it's true," I said.

He shrugged and reached for it.

"Maybe I'll give it to Sheska," he said. "I'll tell her it cost a lot. But I'd rather have money, understand."

"Yes. I'll try to get you more soon," I promised and started to turn away.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?"

"I've got to get home," I said.

"Not quite yet," he said. "Get yourself back here right now. Now!" he commanded.

"Can't you leave me alone?" I pleaded. What did Daddy mean when he whispered to me in the wind? How could I be patient under such circumstances? Did I imagine his voice again?

"No, I can't leave you alone, and you don't want me to," Roy said, smiling. He leaned back on his rolled-up jacket he was using as a pillow and inhaled more of his marijuana.

"All right," he said. "Take off your clothes again."

"What?"

"You heard me. Do it."

I started to shake my head.

"Do it and do it right there. Don't start acting modest or something and turn your back on me either. I know what you have hidden. Go ahead, start. I don't have all day."

I closed my eyes and bit down on my lower lip so hard, I could taste blood.

"If you're a good girl-boy, I'll let you puff on a joint later," he promised.

I shook my head.

"I don't want to puff on a joint."

"What you want and don't want is not important. Get started," he said. "Now, or I'm off to the local newspapers and radio station. They might even pay e for the story, you know," he said smiling. "Sure, I bet I could make a lot more than your promised thousand dollars, which I might never see," he looked serious.

"Maybe I should just forget it and leave. Is that what you want?"

I felt like I was sinking in the earth, felt like it had opened and I was slowly descending. I wished it was so. I wished I could disappear forever.

"No." I said.

"Okay. Then ask me to stay. Say, Please stay, Roy. Go on. Ask."

He put his hands down to push himself up, threatening to leave and do what he had said, go to the newspapers and to the radio station.

"Please stay, Roy." I said quickly.

"All right. That's better. Start with that shirt. I want to see you take off that contraption and unwrap those boobs again. Go on. Start!"

I thought about just running off, but what would that accomplish? Apparently, he hadn't told anyone. He was right. If he had, we would have known by now.

At least for a while, I rationalized I was keeping us safe, and wasn't that really what Mommy wanted? For us to be safe?

My fingers fumbled with the buttons on my shirt. Roy stared up at me, that lustful smile deepening, brightening his eyes, twisting his lips.

He puffed and then squashed the joint in the damp earth as I took of the shirt and began to undo the corset. His smile changed to a look of real astonishment and fascination.

"I can't get over it," he said and laughed. "Here I thought you were just a tough country kid. Okay, now your jeans," he said. "Hurry up. You're taking too long."

To me it seemed as if I had stopped breathing again. I even felt like I was out of my body, standing off to the side of the pine tree watching the whole scene like some interested observer.

I had to kneel down to undo my shoes and then step out of my jeans.

"I can't get over you wearing boy's underwear," he said. "It looks stupid. Get it off quickly," he commanded, waving his hand at me.

I did it, and then I tried to look away, but he snapped at me again.

"Face forward," he said. "Keep your arms down at your side. Just stand there," he directed and put his hands behind his head as he lay back and gazed up at me.

"You know, even though you're chubby in places, you have a better body than Sheska. You're firmer around the rear, and you don't droop like she does. What a waste for you, dressing and acting like a boy."

"Won't you let me be?" I pleaded. "Now."

"You have to be kidding," he said. He started to undo his jeans. "Come here," he said and reached up for my hand. It was like bringing my fingers to a candle flame.

I moved so slowly, and when he seized my hand pulling me to him, I felt as if I had fallen into the fire.

"It's going to be better today," he whispered, his hands moving over my breasts, down the sides of my body, around my legs and over them, bringing me closer to him and then turning me onto my back.

He pushed himself up and over me and gazed down at me.

"All this," he said, "and money, too. What a lucky guy am I."

He was in me again, turning and twisting me to fit himself comfortably between my legs. I kept my eyes closed and tried to put myself somewhere else, but my body would not cooperate.

It seemed to rush to him and not away from him. After it ended, he lay there over me, breathing hard.

"Told you," he whispered and finally turned over to lie next to me on the blanket. "Told you it would be better this time."

I turned away from him. What suddenly interested me was the silence. It seemed as if what we had done had silenced the birds. Nothing moved.

Even the breeze had paused, and the world was still. I heard him sit up and fumble with something. Then I smelled the marijuana again.

He poked me, and I turned back to him.

"Here," he said.

I shook my head.

"Take it and smoke it," he ordered and kept it before my face. "Don't make me angry," he warned.

I took it and puffed on it as quickly as I could. He insisted I do it right and went through instructions once more. Then he lit one for himself. I went toward my clothing, but he stopped me.

"Relax," he said. "We've only just begun. Finish your joint. Enjoy the day. When will you get me more money?"

"I don't know. Maybe next week," I said.

"Okay. Let's plan on payment once a week."

"I don't know how much I can get you if I have to do it every week."

"I don't want five dollars. Make sure it's at least fifty," he said. "Yeah, fifty will be fine. Fifty a week/"

I had no idea how I would get that, but I said nothing.

"I want you to tell me more about yourself."

"What?"

"How do you live? Are you always a boy, even when you're inside your house and no one can see? Do you wear a dress in the house?"

"No," I said.

"Keep smoking. Don't waste the stuff. It was expensive, and it's good," he asserted.

I did what he asked. He stared at me and shook his head.

"I don't get this. I still don't understand, not that I'm complaining," he said smiling. "Why can't you just be what you are, anyway?"

I didn't answer. The joint was making me dizzy again. I felt his fingers over my breasts and his lips on my neck.

"Huh? How come?"

"It's what my mother wants," I said. I was feeling like I was talking in my sleep.

"She's crazy. Your mother's really crazy. Maybe I should tell people. Maybe I should get you out of that house. Maybe you could even come live with us," he said laughing. "Just think of that."

I shook my head, and then I couldn't help sobbing. Real, thick hot tears began to streak down my cheeks.

"Take it easy," I heard him say. "I'm just kidding. You want to live with a loony woman, live with her. I won't tell. We have a good thing going. Don't worry about it. Relax," he said, and he was over me again.

This time I really felt as if I was floating. My body was supple beneath him. He turned and molded me to him easily. All resistance was drained out of me.

I thought about my rag dolls, and I imagined I had turned into one. I went from crying to laughing, and he started laughing, too. When it was over, he was even more pleased and kept complimenting me.

"We're going to have good times," he said. "I'll make up for all you've missed. That's a promise. I don't want to keep calling you Alphonse, though, It makes me feel…queer. What should I call you? Huh? What?"

I looked at him.

"Ella," I said, and the moment I said it, I felt like I had done something worse than Judas had done. However, he didn't understand.

"Naw," he said. "I don't like that name. I'm going to call you Jane. You can call me Tarzan," he declared and howled and beat his chest.

I thought he was very funny. He got up and paraded around out blanket naked, pretending to be an ape. He lit himself another marijuana joint. Slowly, I began to return to earth.

I felt myself falling back like a balloon that leaked air, and it was truly as if I was bouncing about the blanket. My stomach rumbled now, too.

While he smoked and howled and laughed at his own silly remarks, I managed to get dressed.

He finally realized it and said, "Yeah, I've got to get going, too."

He started to dress, but stopped every few moments to laugh and howl. I had never seen anyone drunk, but it seemed to me that this was what it was like.

Still puffing in his marijuana, he completed his dressing, and then he seized my hand.

"Come on," he urged. "Walk me back."

"No," I said shaking my head. "I've got to get home before my mother returns from her errands."

"You got time. I want to know more," he insisted. "Walk," he said and tugged me so hard, I stumbled forward and almost fell. That put him into another fit of laughter.

"What about your blanket?" I asked, turning back.

"Leave it. We'll use it tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow," he replied, which made him laugh again.

We stumbled through some brush and into the woods until we reached the edge of the creek, him pulling me along and holding onto my hand as if he was a blind person who needed me alongside.

He did seem to have trouble navigating. He even banged his shoulder against a tree. I kept telling him I had to get home, but he just laughed and surged forward until we reached the water.

At this particular side of the creek, there were a series of large rocks that ran across the other side. The water was still at a high level and rushing along the sides. The rocks gleamed like chucks of ice when the sun broke through some clouds.

"My shortcut," Roy said, waving at the rocks. He stood there smiling stupidly at me. "I have an idea. Tomorrow, how about you come to me. I'm tired of this woods. My sister wont be home. She's onto a new boyfriend, and she goes to his house every afternoon. My father's on his daytime schedule this month, so we'll have the house to ourselves. I sorta like the idea of your being in my bed, and I bet you will love it, too," he added. "Just appear at the back door the same time."

He waved at the air between us as if that was that. Then he stared out at the creek a moment like someone who was indecisive. He was still holding tightly to my hand.

"I have to go home," I said softly.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah." He seemed to have difficulty focusing on me. "You didn't tell me much more about yourself and your mother. I want to hear it all tomorrow, understand? Understand?" He asked, raising his voice.

"Yes, yes, I understand," I said.

"Okay." He nodded and looked across the creek.

"Okay."

He let go of me and started to cross, paused, and looked back.

"You're not going to pretend to be a boy forever, you know," he said.

It sounded like a prediction and his face was so different, even his voice was changed when he spoke. I wondered if some spirit was speaking through him.

He returned to his navigating over the rocks. I stood for a moment watching him. He slipped once and got his right foot soaked.

"Damn," he shouted, and then he started laughing. I was still feeling unsteady myself, but rather than fall into a laughing jag, I wanted to cry.

I sniffed back my tears and swallowed and swallowed.

Just as I started away from the creek, I heard him scream and turned to see him fall backward into the water. He started laughing again and waved.

"Who pushed me?" he cried and laughed again.

He splashed about and reached for the rock from which he had tumbled, but the raging creek actually turned him.

The water was still quite cold, despite the start of spring. Most of it was coming from melting snow and ice from the mountains above, I thought.

"Hey," I heard him scream, as if he could talk to the water and bawl it out for interfering. "I think I feel a fish in my shoe," he cried and laughed again.

He was carried farther away from the rock bridge, and although his efforts to prevent it were futile, he didn't seem in any panic. I took a few steps back toward the water.

"Hey. Look. A shark's after me," he shouted, and then his head went down below the water.

He popped up and flailed about, turning as he did so. I saw he got some footing, but when he attempted to stand, he fell backward. He laughed again, even though this time he was carried more forcefully away.

I ran to the shore of the creek, and from there. I watched him swinging his arms and struggling to take hold of rocks, branches, anything, until he went under again and then emerged just as he rounded the far turn.

He waved at me and shouted, "Call the Coast Guard!" His laugh died away and he disappeared.

It was quiet, except for the gurgling sound of the water as it rushed by and over the rocks.

"Roy!" I called. "Are you all right?"

I stared at the turn where he had disappeared from sight and waited. I called again. My voice was swallowed up by the sound of the creek. A large crow, however, shot off a high tree branch and flapped its wings madly.

When it cried, it sounded like laughter to me.

He must have gotten out on the other side, I thought. He was probably lying there laughing at it all, especially laughing at me.

I've got to get home, I realized. Mommy might already be back. I hurried away, avoiding brambles and branches the best I could. When I broke out of the forest and into our meadow, I could see that Mommy was not yet back. I sighed with relief and continued to the house.

As soon as I got there, I went upstairs to my room and undressed. I took a hot and then cold shower, and it seemed to help me clear my mind. By the time I was dressed again and went downstairs, Mommy had returned. She seemed very, very happy. Her face was beaming.

"Alphonse," she cried when she saw me. "I have wonderful news. My. Bogart has already found us customers who will buy everything we can produce. We're going to expand out garden. Oh, I know we don't need the money so desperately, but it will be fun doing something valuable, wont it? He was even talking about creating a brand. He suggested Trisha's Herbal Wonders. It would be something for you to inherit someday, too. Another legacy."

She paused.

"You look freshened up. What have you been doing?"

"I tried my saw. I have to get used to it." I said.

"Of course, I'm glad you're responsible enough to realize such a thing. I went to the supermarket and bought some very lean pork chops. I'll stuff them, and we'll have a little celebration," she decided and went off to the kitchen.

I went outside and sat on the porch, gazing off at the woods. What had I done? How much deeper had I fallen? I wondered. A part of me was treacherous. Even though Roy was forcing me to do his will, I was unable to keep myself from confessing my excitement and pleasure over some of it. I wanted to harden myself against myself.

I imagined Mommy would say it was the Ella in my again, but all this did was make me question and challenge my own identity. Who was I now? Who would I be?

You can't be a boy forever, Roy had said, but if I wasn't, Mommy would have to bury Alphonse again in a proper grave with a tombstone.

The image of her digging him up crossed my troubled mind. It was gross and actually made my stomach churn.

I would have to help. I would have to take off Ella's clothes and put Alphonse's on his decomposed body. I shuddered, stood up as though I was being haunted, and quickly walked off the porch and went to the barn to busy myself with cleaning the chain saw.

Later Mommy called me to dinner, and I had to force myself to have a big appetite. She had gone ahead and made an apple pie, too and when she cut me a piece, she cut a large one as usual and plopped a chunk of rich vanilla ice cream over it.

She was still keeping me over weight.

"I didn't actually stop at a car dealership, Alphonse, but I went by one and I saw this red sedan you would just love. It was one of those fancy cars with the shiny wheels, you know. I sat back and saw you washing the car every weekend. Remember when you and your daddy would do that?

"Yes."

"We're going to have wonderful times again, Alphonse, wonderful times."

After diner she went into the living room and played some of her favorite old-time songs, songs she said her mother had loved and even her grandmother enjoyed.

"They would stand around the piano and sing," she told me. "Our home was so warm, so full of love. Grandpa Jordan would pretend it was just a lot of noise to him, but when I stole a glance, I saw the happy smile on his face and the way he looked at my grandmother. She was a beautiful woman with an angelic smile. She still has that smile, of course. That's the wonder of spiritual existence, Alphonse. You are frozen in the happiest, most beautiful and handsome moments. Some day you'll know what I mean. Someday," she said her voice drifting off with the music.

Could we be that happy? I wondered. Would everything turn out all right after all? Would I be blessed and given the powers, all the powers, even though I had done what I had done?

Despite the events of the day, I went to sleep with an air of optimism about me. Mommy was so strong, I thought. She could change the face of time. She would keep me safe.

I cuddled up beneath my covers and dreamed of the time when she would be playing the piano and I would see and hear all our family spirits who stood around and sang.

Daddy would have his arm around my shoulders and he would kiss my cheek, and I would feel it, actually feel it again.

"See," he would say, "your mother is a special lady."

As soon as we finished our breakfast the next day, Mommy had me join her in the garden. We worked side by side for hours, turning the earth, planting her herbs.

As we worked, she talked more about her early life and told me stories I had never before heard.

"You know, I wanted a little brother or sister for the longest time," she said. "I was lonely and it was always hard to have friends over to our home. My mother tried to have more children. She did everything Grandma Jordan told her to do, but nothing worked, and after a while, they concluded that because Mommy was only able to have me, I must be someone very, very special. My mother became my best friend," she told me and smiled at me.

"Just like I'm your best friend and always will be, Alphonse. That's okay, isn't it?"

"Yes," I said. "But you went to public school. Didn't you ever have a close friend?"

"No," she said quickly and turned away from me. Then she hesitated and turned back.

"There was someone once, a girl in the ninth grade, Sarah Rockbell, but she became friends with very bad kids, and I knew I would get into trouble if I stayed friends with her. I told her mother on her, and she hated me forever afterward."

"What did she do?"

"she was, as they used to say, promiscuous. You don't know what that means because you don't read enough, Alphonse, but let's just say she was loose with her body, and she did things with boys she shouldn't have done."

Of course I knew what it meant, but I said nothing.

"She didn't seem to care who she was with. Your body can betray you sometimes," she continued. "People think pleasure is something good all the time, but it's not. Sometimes, it's just the evil spirits' way to open doors to your very soul. Once inside, they can rot you like an apple."

"But," she said, running her fingers through my short hair. "you must not worry about that. It will never happen to you."

She looked up at the sky.

"Let's work faster. It's supposed to rain hard today," she said. "and most likely tomorrow as well."

We did work until the rain began, and then we went inside and I sat by the window and read and watched the wind whip the sheets of drops over the trees and meadow.

Daddy hated long rainstorms, but Mommy would tell him it cleansed the world and he should be grateful. Of course he retorted with, "It makes it harder for builders, and that doesn't help our bottom line."

"It's your souls bottom line I would worry about," Mommy countered, and he would pull his ear and smile at me. "Can't argue with mystic," he sometimes said. Mommy hated to be called that.

"There's nothing mystical about me. Nothing mysterious. What's mysterious is why so many people are blind to the beauty of the spiritual truths in our world," she said.

In the end Daddy surrendered and went off laughing about the futility of arguing with her. There was a different sort of music in our house then, a different sort of light, too. Would all that return as Mommy promised?

I watched the rain until I grew tired and went to sleep. The following day, as Mommy had predicted, It rained until late in the afternoon.

It was almost dark before it stopped, in fact. I sat in the living room and completed some of my workbook assignments. Suddenly a sweep of light passed over the wall and I looked up sharply.

I heard a door slam and then another. Moments later the bell rang, and Mommy came out of the kitchen. She looked curiously at me and wiped her hands on her apron. I shook my head.

"Who could that be?" she muttered and went to the door. I stood in the living room doorway and watched.

A policeman and Mr. Mustang stood there. The policeman was still wearing a raincoat, but Mr. Mustang was in a sports jacket and slacks and looked like he had just come from a social event.

"Yes?" Mommy said. She looked at Mr. Mustang.

"We're here to see if your son has seen my son recently," he said.

"What?" Mommy brought her hands to her hips.

"Mr. Mustang's son Roy has been missing for a few days, Mrs. Elric," the policeman said. "His car and all his things are at the house, but he's not there, and no one has seen him. He hasn't been to school. We've questioned all of his friends at school, and the only thing left to do is speak to your son."

"Why would Alphonse know anything about him?" she demanded.

The policeman looked at Mr. Mustang.

"My daughter suggested he might,"

"Why would she say that?"

"She said he had seen him recently," he told her, and Mommy slowly turned to me.

"Is that true, Alphonse?"

"No," I said quickly, maybe too quickly.

"I'm very worried, son," Mr. Mustang said. "He's done some silly things, but he's never done anything like this. He's not here by any chance, is he?"

"Of course not," Mommy snapped. "Do you actually believe I would permit such a thing?"

"I was just-"

"We're just checking every possible lead, Mrs. Elric," the policeman said. "I'm sure you can appreciate what Mr. Mustang Is going through, having lost a child yourself."

Mommy's upper body snapped back so fast and so sharply, she looked like she might topple.

"Of course I appreciate it. I'm just telling you that we don't know anything about him." She looked at Mr. Mustang.

"I warned you he was into very bad behavior," she told him. "This doesn't surprise me. It doesn't surprise me at all."

He nodded and looked down.

"I know," he said softly, his voice couched in a tone of defeat.

"Well, we can't help you," she said. "I'm very sorry for your trouble."

"You sure you haven't seen Roy?" the policeman asked me again.

I shook him head.

"No, not for a while," I said. My heart was pounding. Mommy didn't even look at me.

"Okay. Thank you. If you think of anything, please call the station," the policeman said, and they turned away.

Mommy closed the door immediately. For a moment she stood there looking at it. Then she spun on me, her eyes small, suspicious.

"Do you know where he has gone?"

I didn't, so I was able to shake my head.

She didn't look convinced, but she breathed easier and then, without another word, returned to the kitchen.

I stood there feeling numb all over.

I heard Mommy rattling pots and pans as she sifted through the, looking for something. When she made noise like that, I knew she was upset.

The sounds seemed to echo inside my chest. At dinner Mommy went on and on about how much of a burden children were to their parents today.

"If you're blessed with a responsible, obedient, and loving child, you're a very lucky person, but the truth is, they reap what they sow. That was why I couldn't be as sympathetic to Mr. Mustang as the policeman would have liked me to be. I know it's a hard face to wear, but if we don't wear it, things will only get worse. That," she said, "is why I feel so fortunate having a child like you."

She got up and walked over to kiss me on the forehead and then hold me tightly against her. I said nothing. I couldn't help but wonder if she felt me shaking. The trembling I had felt when the policeman and Mr. Fletcher came to our door was still going on inside me.

It followed me into sleep and turned every shadow in my room into a dark threat. The search party came late in the following morning. It brought back horrid memories, both for Mommy and myself.

We could hear the voices of men shouting to each other in the forest. From our front porch, we saw the cars parking on the highway. A fire engine was brought up as well.

Only an hour or so after they had begun, we heard a gunshot to signal the others. That was followed by the sound of an ambulance screaming up to our road.

Mommy walked out and down the driveway, where she could speak with people. Then she returned quickly.

"What's going on?" I asked her.

"They found him," she said.

"Where?" I asked, my voice not much more than a whisper.

"Washed about a mile downstream."

* * *

><p><strong>Wow, this was tough! Took a while, and it's pretty long. Please review, it gives me confidence! <strong>


	12. The gift

**Been working on it all day! :D I really like this one, and got in the mood. Please vote on my poll so I know what you guys want!**

* * *

><p>Before they had found Roy, they had found his blanket by the pine tree. We didn't know it all immediately, but they also found remnants of his marijuana cigarettes. However it was what they had found in his pants pocket that brought the police back to our front door.<p>

They didn't come until early in the evening. I was upstairs in my room when I heard the doorbell ring. The sound made my heart race. With all the sirens, the sounds of far more traffic and people on our rode and our property, I couldn't help being anxious.

After we had heard that Roy was found apparently drowned and washed ashore farther downstream, I had gone off to be alone as quickly as I could. I was sure Mommy would take one glance at my face and know I had lied to her and kept things from her. I was more afraid of her disappointment in me than I was of her rage.

As I sat there thinking about the horror of it all, I told myself that even though I had seen Roy get carried farther down the creek and around the turn, I had good reason to assume he would be all right. From the years when we didn't have much of a snowfall and spring rain, I knew the creek had so many rocks and hills under it, making it very shallow in many places.

I had good reason to conclude he would eventually find his footing and pull himself safely to shore. He didn't really scream for help. I had no idea he wasn't a good swimmer, and in the beginning, when he dipped his foot in the water and even after he fell in, he was laughing about it and clowning around.

But what fascinated and even frightened me somewhat the whole day after I heard the news was the possibility that this was what Daddy's spirit had meant when I thought I heard him whispering in the wind to be patient.

I recalled the way Roy had toppled into the water. He did cry, "Who pushed me?" Had he really felt some force knocking him off the rock or was that shout and the surprise just part of his joking around with me?

Could it really be that our spiritual protectors had done this? If so, wasn't it all ultimately my fault? If I hadn't done what I had done that day and exposed myself to the world and to Roy, none of this would have happened. Complicating it even further, I had not told Mommy. I had kept it all a secret, and I had let it continue. Now what would happen to us?

I heard Mommy calling for me from the entryway. Slowly rising from my bed, where I had been sitting and thinking, I walked to the door and then descended, feeling like a convicted felon approaching the gallows.

Mommy stood there looking up at me with her arms folded under her breasts so tightly, they looked locked in place forever. The policeman and a man in a dark gray sports coat and tie stood just behind her, waiting for me. He had a chiseled face with a brow that hung like a cliff's edge over his eyes. His lower lip drooped just enough to show most of his lower teeth.

As I drew closer, I saw the fire in Mommy's eyes, each holding the tip of a candle flame. Her lips were pursed, pressing up the crests of her cheeks. Some loosened strains of hair fell over her temple and down the right side of her mouth.

"Officer Harold and Detective Young want to ask you some questions, Alphonse. I want you to answer them honestly," Mommy said, pronouncing each word with crystal clear and sharp consonants and vowels, which I knew was how she spoke when she was battling to control the rage roaring inside her.

I nodded and turned to them. Detective young stepped forward.

"Do you recognize this?" he asked and opened his fist to show me the red coral amulet.

I couldn't help looking up from it quickly at Mommy. She stares, her face a closed book to anyone else, but to me speaking volumes and volumes of angry disappointment. She knew it was the one she had given me, of course. Her eyes flickered, rage feeding the fire.

"Yes," I said in a voice so small, I wasn't sure myself that I had spoken.

"Roy's father and his sister told us he didn't have this when they had last seen him, and in fact they had never seen it. They have no idea how he got it or even what it is, but his sister thought you might know."

"Why did she think that?" Mommy demanded, spinning on the detective.

Detective Young looked at her for a moment, obviously considering how to reply.

"Her brother told her things about your son and you that led her to believe it. I guess he described what you son is wearing right now, he said, referring to my amulet. He turned back to me. "What is it, and how did Roy Mustang come to have it in his possession at the time of his death?"

"It's an amulet," I said. "Red coral."

"An amulet?" Officer Harold muttered. "What is that exactly?"

I looked at Mommy.

"An amulet is a talisman, a good-luck charm, if you will," Mommy explained for me. "Red coral is said to have certain beneficial properties for the wearer."

"This was yours, then?" Detective Young asked, still holding it out as if he was showing something to a jury in a courtroom.

"Yes," I replied.

"And you gave it to Roy Mustang?"

I nodded.

"When exactly?" he asked.

Again, I looked up at Mommy first.

"When?" she repeated for Detective Young.

"A few days ago," I said.

Mommy released a trapped breath like someone who had just been given terrible news.

"When I was here earlier, you told me and Roy's father that you hadn't seen him for a while," Officer Harold said, practically leaping at me. "Now you're saying you gave him this thing a few days ago. Why did you lie to us?"

I felt panic running down the sides of my legs, freezing them in place. Why was this happening to me? If the spirits were protecting me, why did they let this happen? What was I supposed to say, to do?

I didn't look at Mommy. I shifted my eyes guiltily toward the floor and shrugged.

"Roy made me promise not to tell," I said and recalled Mommy once telling me that lies pop out of people's minds like pimples sometimes.

I didn't know what makes someone a good liar, if there is such a thing, but I suppose it has something to do with his or her ability to create, to preform, maybe even believe in the lie him or herself first, I thought.

"Why did he do that?" Detective Young followed.

"He was smoking something bad, and he said his father would take away his car if he found out," I said in a very convincing tone of voice. I felt confident that really wasn't a lie anyway.

"So? Why wouldn't you tell his father you had seen him?" Officer Harold asked, his face dark with exasperation and outrage. "You saw how concerned he was."

I bit down on my lower lip and kept my eyes fixed on the floor. I couldn't think of any excuse that would make me look good or even make sense.

"Was it because you smoked something bad as well?" Detective Young offered.

I looked up quickly. Mommy's eyes hadn't changed, hadn't moved. They were so fixed on me, I felt like she was boring a hole through my forehead.

"Alphonse?" she said. "Answer the question."

I nodded. The detective's theory was an unexpected gift, a way to rescue myself.

"Yes."

Both Officer Harold and Detective Young settled in the comfort of being right about me. I could see it clearly in the way they glanced at each other. They had probably discussed it before they had arrived at our door.

"But I didn't think anything terrible had happened to him," I added quickly.

"Tell us what occurred the last time you saw him," Detective Young said.

"We smoked that stuff in the woods, and then we parted and he started for home and I came home."

They stared at me, four eyes searching my face like spotlights sweeping over a prison wall, looking for cracks. I held my breath. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a small movement in Mommy's lips. It was impossible to lie to her, no matter how good I was with other people.

"You didn't have any arguments or anything like that?" Detective Young asked.

"What are you suggesting? That Alphonse drowned him?" Mommy snapped at him.

"No."

"Then why ask such a question?"

"It's what we do. We try to get all the information we can in order to understand what happened, Mrs. Elric. A terrible family tragedy has occurred here."

"I think I know something about terrible family tragedies," Mommy told him, speaking so sharply, he reacted as if he had been slapped.

"I'm sorry. We're just doing out job."

"Well, do it quickly and leave us be," she said.

He turned back to me.

"So you didn't know Roy was in any sort of trouble when you left him that day?"

"No," I said and nodded at the amulet he was holding. "I thought he was protected."

Maybe that was the wrong thing to say; maybe it was the right thing to say. I didn't know, but it widened the eyes of both policemen.

"Huh?" Officer Harold said. "What do you mean, protected?"

"Red Coral is a powerful gemstone. It can make the wearer courageous and have a very strong calming effect, reducing tensions. It has healing powers," Mommy explained. "Alphonse had good intentions giving the boy the amulet, but the boy shouldn't have depended on it to protect him in every possible way.

"In fact," Mommy continued, "one problem with the red coral is it might make the wearer too confident, too courageous. You know that saying about fools rushing in where angels fear to tread," she added in her typical educationalist tone of voice.

The two policemen stood speechless, staring at her. Finally, Officer Harold turned to me.

"You did a bad thing, not telling us you had seen Roy Mustang recently. We would have concentrated on the woods a lot faster, and even if we couldn't do anything to help him, his father and sister wouldn't have been left in limbo so long."

"Withholding information from the police is a criminal act, you know," Detective Young said.

I said nothing, neither did Mommy.

They looked uncomfortable.

"Here," Detective Young said, handing me the amulet. "Mr. Mustang doesn't want it."

"We don't want it either," Mommy snapped, stepping in between me and the policeman. "Tell Mr. Mustang he should bury it with his son. There are ways to protect us in the afterlife as well, and that can be even more important."

Officer Harold smirked. Then he turned away and shook his head.

"Okay," Detective Young said. He put the amulet back into his pocket. "If you son thinks of anything else that might help us understand what happened-"

"Why is it so difficult to understand?" Mommy practically shouted at them. "From what we've heard, the boy drowned in a creek. You said he was smoking something bad, and you just heard Alphonse confirm it. I'm sure it was marijuana, and that can affect your perception, can it not? I was a public school teacher one," she added. "We were always talking to the children about why using drugs is bad for you."

"Yes," Detective young admitted. "The pot might have had something to do with what happened."

"It's a tragedy. It's terrible, but parents have to be on top of their children more vigorously these days," Mommy lectured. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I feel sorry for Mr. Mustang. I know what he's suffering. No one knows better about that suffering than I do, but in the end , he has to live with his own failings. We all do," she concluded. "Now if you're finished here-"

She opened the door for them.

"Thank you," Detective Young muttered.

Officer Harold just glared back at me and followed him out of our house.

When Mommy closed the door, I felt like she had closed the lid on my coffin. Slowly, ever so slowly, she turned to me. I fumbled words in my mind, trying to find the right way to say I was sorry.

"Don't try to explain anything to me," she said. "I know exactly what happened."

Did she know? Exactly?

"Evil spirits have been at us ever since your father died. They have tried every way they could to pierce our protective shield. They made me sick once and gave me headaches. It is no surprise to me that they concentrated on spoiling you, Alphonse, and tried to spoil you by using that young man. I should have been even more diligent when I learned of your initial contact with those people and you had told me of the bad things they were doing. It's not all your fault. I was too trusting, too dependent of those that watch over us.

"But thankfully, they continue to do so. I am not surprised about what had happened. Of course, I am disappointed in you, and there is work to do now o cleanse you, but I am grateful we are all still safe, still being watched over and blessed."

She paused, and squeezed her temples with her right thumb and forefinger, and took deep breaths. I held mine in anticipation. Finally, she looked up at me and nodded as if she had just been told exactly what to do.

"Go upstairs and get undressed," she said.

"Undressed?"

"Yes. I'll be right there," she said and walked toward the kitchen and the pantry.

For a moment I was too frightened to move. What was she going to do? I started up the stairs slowly and then walked quickly to my room, where I began to undress. I was in such a daze I didn't hear Mommy come charging up the stairs and into my room. Suddenly, she was there rushing past me into the bathroom. I heard her turn on the faucet for the tub.

"What's taking you so long?" she cried from the bathroom doorway. "Hurry up and get yourself naked and in here. There is no time to lose."

She turned into the bathroom. I continued to undress. When I was naked, I entered slowly. It had been a while since Mommy had gazed upon me and seen my body develop, but when she looked at me now, it was just a glance and it was as if she saw nothing different from the first day she had dressed me in my brother's clothing.

She stood by the tub and looked down at the water pouring into it. I saw a jar of black powder in her hands.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's from my grandmother's secret closet," she said.

"Her own recipe. Get in the water," she told me and stood back waiting.

I approached the tub and then slowly brought my leg over and my foot down. The moment I touched the water, I leaped back. It was scalding.

"It's too hot!" I cried.

"It has to be very hot. Get in," she said without emotion. She sounded as if she was under a spell herself.

"I can't. It's much too hot."

"Get in," she said again.

I shook my head and backed away.

"Get in, Alphonse. Get in."

"Make it cooler."

"Okay," she said suddenly, and she turned the cold faucet on and let it run. "Try it now," she said, and I cautiously dipped my foot in again. It was still very hot, but bearable.

"Soak," she said, and I sat slowly and endured the hot water.

She sprinkled the black powder into the water, and it quickly turned the water into a dark blue.

"It smells terrible," I said.

"It's not supposed to be bath salts. Just soak," she said and left me.

"How long?" I called after her.

"Until I return," she said.

"What does it do?" I shouted, but she didn't hear me, or if she did, she didn't want to respond.

I had to turn my head because the smell was so gross. I felt like I was going to vomit. I leaned over the side of the tub and waited and waited. I thought she had forgotten me when she finally came into the bathroom. I looked up and saw she was carrying a large cauldron.

Before I could protest, she rushed at the tub and poured out the contents, which was scalding hot water. I shouted and tried to get out, but she pushed down on my shoulders and held me in the water. I cried and cried and begged. Finally, she let me emerge. My skin was as red as it would be if I had lain out naked in the hot son for a day. It was painful, too, especially where some of the boiling water had hit my body.

I grabbed a towel and began to wipe myself, but that hurt.

"Lie down," she told me. "I'll bring you some soothing salve."

I didn't trust her. When she returned this time, she had a jar of one of her herbal salves, but I cringed when she began to wipe it on my body, expecting some more pain. It didn't hurt. It brought relief.

"Hopefully we have driven what remains of the evil out of your earthly body. Sleep now, Alphonse," she said. "And say your prayers. We have to pray you've been completely cleansed, that all that corrupted you has been exorcized."

She left, closing my door. I heard the familiar sound of the key in the lock.

I was going to be put on a fast again, I thought, and like someone condemned, I closed my eyes and listened for the tolling bells of doom.

She surprised me, however, by bringing me cups of tea, toast, and jam. She brought me no breakfast in the morning, but she did bring me some hot cereal for dinner and some fruit. She rubbed the salve over my body again and told me to rest. Later that evening, she burned her incense around me and held vigil. Every time I tried to speak or get up, she shook her head and said, "Not yet. It's not time yet."

I was permitted only to go to the bathroom. After two days, she opened my door and told me I should dress and go wait for her at the cemetery. Grateful I could finally emerge from my room, I hurriedly did what she asked. She didn't come to the cemetery for quite a while, and when she approached, I saw she was wearing her mourning clothes and was completely in black from her shoes to the veil she wore.

There, before the old tombstones, she held my hand and sang her hymns. Then she stopped and offered a prayer, begging the spirits not to take me from her. She had me plead with them as well, repeating the words she dictated. When it was over, we returned to the house. Mommy changed into her everyday clothes and then behaved as if nothing unusual had happened. She went about her house chores and gave me my schoolwork and the list of things she wanted me to accomplish around the house and the property. Not another word was said about Roy Mustang or the policemen who had visited us.

Every once in a while during the days that followed, I would catch her looking at me, or more accurately, around me, and nodding. She saw someone, some spirit, I was sure, and I held my breath and waited for some sort of verdict or conclusion, but she said nothing. I was happy she at least looked content.

* * *

><p>Finally, one evening a week later, after we had eaten our dinner, she folded her hands on the table and leaned forward to speak to me. I could tell from the expression on her face and the tone of her voice that she was going to assume her teacher mode.<p>

"There will be other times, other challenges like the one we just had," she began. "It is very important that you tell me immediately when anything like that occurs. Never, never again will you keep anything a secret from me, Alphonse. We are all we have and all we will ever have.

She smiled.

"Once you were inside me, a part of me physically. Then you were born and you were outside me, but what tied us together was never untied. Do you understand? Do you understand how very important it is to be trusting and truthful with me and how that keeps us bound together? Do you?"

"Yes." I said.

"Good. Because I have a wonderful surprise for you tonight," she said. "First, I'll clean up our dinner dishes and put things away. You go wait patiently in the living room," she said and I rose and left the dining room.

I sat in Mommy's great-grandfather Jordan's rocking chair. I really didn't think about it. I just did it, but when she came to me, I could see in her smile that she thought it was something significant.

"It doesn't surprise me to find you sitting there," she said. "We are often drawn to our ancestors through set pieces in our home. Remember that. Remember how important it is to cherish everything that binds us to them."

She held a candleholder and an unlit candle in her hand.

"I know that it was always upsetting to you that Ella was able to cross over so quickly at so young an age while you were still waiting at the wall with no sign of any doorway. As we learned, that was because they had other plans for her, plants we didn't understand then. Now," she said, "they finally have plans for you."

I barely moved a muscle listening. What did that mean? What sort of plans for me? What was she going to do?

"Come with me," she said smiling. "Come on." She lit the candle, turned, and walked to the doorway, waiting.

I tried very hard not to be afraid, but the memory of my scalding bath was still quite vivid. My skin cringed. She saw it in my face and laughed.

"There is nothing bad awaiting you, dear Alphonse, only good things now. Don't look so frightened. Come along."

I realized all the lights in the house were turned off. In the darkness, with only the flow of the candle showing us the way, I followed her to the stairway. The shadows slid over the walls along with us. We walked up slowly, her cupping the small flame to be sure it stayed lit and bright, and we continued to the turret room. She unlocked the door and entered first, turning to beckon me to follow.

When I walked in, I saw a mattress that had been placed on the floor. Around it were all the pictures we had of the relatives, and in front of them were other candles, yet unlit. Next to the mattress was a black pitcher and a goblet, and heirloom we never used. Previously, it had been on a shelf in the armoire in the dining room.

"Do you know where you're going tonight?" she asked me.

I shook my head.

"Tonight, you will go through the door we spoke of, and as brief as it might seem to you, you will walk with them and you will finally hear them speak. It's a gift they have decided to bestow on you."

She looked about the dark room, holding the candle high to throw its flow over the walls, the windows, and the floor. She moved slowly in a circle so that the light washed across every part of the room, as if she was sterilizing it with the yellow glow. Then she stopped and turned back to me.

"I was younger than you when my mother gave me the gift, but it was just how it was, how it was meant to be. Afterward, just as it will be for you, I no longer needed anyone's help to cross over. Sometimes we need to do this, my mother told me. There's nothing shameful about that. Think of it the way you would think of a helping hand reaching out for you, guiding you, pulling you aboard a wonderful ship to take you on a dazzling journey. You are ready for this. I know you have wanted it for so long, and I know you were often jealous of Ella, who did not need any help. But all that is over now. Tonight it ends."

She put the candleholder down gently and then picked up the pitcher and the goblet. I watched her pour something into it. Then she turned to me and offered me the goblet.

"First, you will drink this, and then I want you to lie down softly and the magic carpet, for that it truly what it will become," she said.

Hesitantly, I reached out and took the goblet. She urged me with her eyes and her smile. I couldn't help my hesitation, nor the way my hand trembled.

"Trust, remember? We must have trust between us. Drink, my darling. Drink it all in one long gulp. Don't sip it. Go on," she said.

A dark part of me wondered if this was going to be the end. Before the morning's light, would she lay me down beside Alphonse? Would I become a spirit, too, and was that the way she would keep us together forever? Was that the way I would cross over?

Even if that was true, shouldn't I be happy? After all, I was soon to enter a perfect world, a world in which I no longer had to hide from myself, disguise myself, be someone I was not. Wouldn't that be the true gift, and didn't I finally deserve it?

Perhaps what had happened between Roy and me had convinced her I was in danger of never crossing over. Perhaps she had been told, and that was why tonight I had been brought here and, like my Juliet in the play I so loved, given a potion to swallow that held the promise of endless happiness. There were so many forces greater than myself, than my little mind, my small fears, my tiny being. Who was I to challenge any of them?

I took the goblet and brought it to my lips. If this was truly the end of one life and the beginning of another, to what was I to say good-bye? What would I miss? My chores, my Spartan room, my fishing pole, and new chain saw? Was there anything I left behind that brought tears to my eyes?

Or was it truly the beginning and on the contrary, weren't there so many things I would say hello to again? My dolls, my beautiful clothes, my jewels, my teacup set, all of it, just waiting for me.

Really, I thought, I have no good-byes to say, just hellos.

I tipped the goblet and let the cool, strange-tasting liquid flow over my tongue and down my throat, swallowing quickly until it was all gone.

Mommy nodded and took the goblet from me gently.

"Lie down," she said.

I did as she asked and she slowly and carefully lit every candle in front of every picture. Then she stood up with her own candle and holder in hand and smiled down at me.

"What a lucky boy you are," she said. "I'll see you again," she promised and left the turret room, closing the door softly behind her. I heard the key turn in the lock, and then I heard her steps as she walked away.

The candles flickered around me, causing shadows to dance over the walls. Soon I felt my head spinning, and then it wasn't just my head. My whole body started to turn and turn. I closed my eyes and put my hands on the floor to steady myself. All sorts of colors and flashes of light streaked over my closed eyelids. I thought I shouted, but I wasn't sure. What I was sure of was that I could hear Mommy playing on the piano below.

Suddenly I stopped spinning, and then I saw something out of the corner of my eye. A puff of smoke rose. Did it come from the candle in front of the picture of Auntie Helen Roe or did it come from the picture itself? I shifted my gaze to my right because another puff of smoke rose in front of Grandpa Jordan's pictures, and then another from Great-Aunt Louise, another from Cousin Simon, and yet another from Grandmother Gussie's picture.

All the puffs rose and merged in front of me, and then the shadows that danced on the walls turned into the spirits Mommy had promised. They circled me. I could hear them laughing. They moved faster and faster, their laughter louder, and then they stopped and returned to their pictures, the smoky forms almost sucked into the grames.

All was quite. Mommy's piano music rose again, and there was Great-Grandpa Jordan sitting in his rocker, looking at me. He nodded.

"What a good child you are," he said. "I'm very proud of you. Very proud."

I heard giggling and saw three little girls kneeling beside me. When I reached out to touch them, they were gone like popped bubbles, but just as soon as they were gone, I heard someone clear his throat and turned to see Uncle Peter, Great-Grandma Jordan's brother, standing and looking down at me, that gold pocket watch of his that was in his photograph in his hand. He squinted and opened it.

"It's almost time," he said.

Then he was gone.

The shadows continued to dance on the walls.

"Daddy!" I called. "Daddy."

The music seemed to get louder. I felt fingers in my right hand and looked up to see him, my daddy, standing there, as young as he was when I was five.

"You've been a good girl," he said. "We all love you, and we'll never let anything bad happen to you again. That's a promise."

"Where's Alphonse?" I asked him, and he nodded toward my left.

There was Alphonse, smirking.

"You have no right trying to be me," he said. "You can't fish for nothing, and what about that new chain saw? You barely can hold it. What a waste. You don't have an ant farm going either. And when was the last time you played in my fort? You let it rot in the woods."

"What did I ask you, Alphonse?" Daddy said. "What did I ask you to do?"

"Be nice," Alphonse answered.

"Are you being nice?"

"No." He shook his head at me. "You don't want to come here," he said. "You've got to be nice all day and night."

I heard Daddy's laugh, and then all of them laughed, my uncles, my grandparents, my cousins. The laughter got louder than the piano music.

"I want my electric trains!" Alphonse screamed.

He popped and was gone.

Daddy remained there, holding my hand.

"Don't leave me, Daddy," I begged. "Please."

"I never will," he said. He sat beside me.

Together we looked at the wall and watched the pictures run by like a movie, all the pictures of me and Alphonse on our happy days, our walks, our swimming, our fishing together. There were pictures of our trips, too, our rides, the times we went to the fun parks, our birthdays, on and on they ran, flashing faster and faster until they began to run into each other.

"Daddy," I said nervously and fearfully.

"I', here," he whispered.

The pictures were soon indistinguishable balls of light that grew so bright, I couldn't look directly at them. I had to close my eyes.

"Daddy…"

I heard my voice echo.

I was falling and falling into some dark place.

"Daddy…"

"I'm here," his voice echoed back, and then…all was black.

* * *

><p>I woke to the sound of the key in the lock and heard the door opening. Sunlight was streaming through the window so brightly, I knew it was late in the morning, if not early afternoon.<p>

All of the candles were burned down in front of the pictures.

Mommy stepped in and looked at me.

"Good morning," she said. "You can tell me everything after you wash and change for breakfast, okay?"

I started to sit up and groaned. I felt so stiff, and there was a tiny beating of blood in my temples.

"You'll be fine," Mommy said, helping me to my feet. "Once you have something substantial in your stomach, you'll be fine. And guess what? It's a beautiful day. You should see how our herbs are growing, too."

I followed her out, the brightness still hard to take. I had to shade my eyes.

"You've got an old-fashioned hangover," Mommy said, laughing. "But don't worry. I have all the remedies, and the remedies that really work, too. You'll be yourself in no time."

We stopped in front of my room.

"Take a nice shower. I'll be waiting for you downstairs." She shook her head and smiled at me. "You look just the way I did afterward. The main thing is to remember now, Alphonse, is you've crossed over, really crossed over, and you'll be seeing and hearing them all the time. It's the gift, the gift that binds you to me forever."

She kissed me on the forehead. Then she left me and descended the stairs.

I went into my room and began to undress to take that shower. Before I did, I went to my window and looked down. Something had drawn me to it.

There below, walking slowly and talking, were my three cousins who had died years and years before I was born: Mildred, Louise, and Darla, all sisters. They were exactly as they were in the pictures on the hallway wall below, wearing the same calico dresses, their hair the same style. They paused as if they had heard something, and then all three of them looked up at me.

And they smiled.

I watched them walk on until they were entering the woods and disappearing in the shadows.

I wasn't trying hard to see them just to please Mommy, I thought, and this was certainly not a dream.

After all, weren't they all there for me as well?

And wouldn't they be forever and ever?

* * *

><p><strong>As I said before, this took all day. Once again <em>please<em> vote on my poll that's on my profile. Review as well! :)**


	13. Ella

**Worked on this for a _long_ time. I can't believe I finally finished it! :)**

* * *

><p>Shall I say that a never day passed now without my seeing or feeling a spiritual presence? It wouldn't be a lie. I was truly like Mommy with her powerful spiritual vision. We shared the world as would two sister who had inherited heaven and earth, happy for each other.<p>

In the evening after all our daily chores were done and we had eaten a wonderful dinner, she would play the piano and I would sit nearby and read or sometimes just sit and listen with my eyes closed. On wonderful nights like that we were often not alone. Many members of our spiritual family were there sitting on the settees and chairs or just standing about and smiling. Children, my many cousins, were sitting on the floor, being quiet and behaving. All of them stole glances at me and smiled and waited anxiously for me to smile back.

Although I still didn't tell Mommy, I saw Alphonse more and more, too. He followed me about the farm, criticizing my work, telling me he could do it better. At first he made me nervous, and then, mainly because of Daddy, I humored him and didn't take his comments to heart. I could almost say he haunted me, however, because as he grew more comfortable being in my presence, his complaints became more personal and more frequent. He was like a bee buzzing at my ear. No amount of swatting at him would drive him away.

One night I woke and saw him squatting beside my bed. He looked up at me, and I saw he had been crying. "Why are you crying?" I asked him. "I thought there is never any sadness where you are."

"Maybe just for me," he muttered.

"I'm trying my best, Alphonse. I'm doing everything you would do as well as you would do it. I've even begun to rebuild your fort, haven't I?"

"I'm not crying because of all that," he said as if I were stupid.

"Then what? What's making you so sad?"

He looked like he wasn't going to tell or he was afraid to tell. His eyes shifted about the room to be sure we were alone. I saw no one else either.

"I don't like wearing your dress," he said, "and your amulet. I want my own. I like my worm."

I simply stared at him. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I could never mention such a thing to Mommy, of course.

"You're not wearing a dress now," I pointed out.

He smirked.

"You don't know anything. I have to be like this when you see me, but every other time I'm in that dress, and I don't like it. Our cousins are laughing at me behind my back," he told me.

"Daddy never says anything about that."

"He's just trying to keep Mommy happy."

"I can't do anything about it, Al," I said.

"Yes, you can," he insisted. "You can be you. As soon as you are, it will stop."

His request took my breath away.

"I can't do that," I said in a loud whisper.

Now the conversation was making me dizzy. Luminous white smoke circled around m. was I really awake, or was all this part of a dream?

"Yes, you can," he insisted.

"I can't. Mommy would…would be very upset, and besides, she was told what had to be done and what I must do," I pointed out. "She can't go against it, and neither can I."

"You will," he said, his eyes small and angry like they could be when we were younger and I had done something that irked him. "You will," he threatened.

He popped like a bubble.

* * *

><p>Soon after like, I began to vomit in the morning. I was so nauseous, I had trouble getting dressed and going downstairs. I was sure it was somehow Alphonse's doing, his way to get even with me, and I was confident that he couldn't keep it up. Daddy would stop him. I was still afraid to tell Mommy anything about him. I was sure she would be so unhappy if she knew some of the things Alphonse had told me, especially what he wanted.<p>

And then one day when the morning sickness diminished, I realized that my monthly bleeding had stopped. There were other times when it had stopped for a few months and then started again, but this was different. It was accompanied by a new sensitivity about my nipples and a change of color. Also, I found myself drifting off more, napping, being tired. I was going to the bathroom more often, too. I kept anticipating Mommy asking me about it, but she didn't appear to notice and I thought it might all just pass soon.

One morning while I was examining myself, nothing how much bigger my breasts had become and the small swelling in my stomach, I looked in the corner and saw Alphonse smiling.

"You won't be able to be me much longer," he said with an impish grin.

"Get out!" I screamed. "Get out!"

He laughed, but he disappeared. Mommy came up the stairway, calling me.

"What is it, Alphonse?"

I began to wrap myself as quickly as I could.

"Is something wrong?" she asked from the doorway.

"No," I said. "I'm just being teased. Like I used to be," I added.

"Teased? Teased by whom, Alphonse? Who would tease you?" she asked, standing in the doorway with a confused smile on her face.

I turned away from her quickly.

"I didn't mean teased, exactly. I meant annoyed. I'm annoyed with myself."

"Why?"

"I'm just not getting as much done I want, and we're already well into fall."

"Oh. Well, you will. Be patient. I'm not unhappy with your work," she said.

She kissed me on the forehead and cheek and then left.

I stood there looking after her and wondering what would I do.

* * *

><p>Days and then weeks went by with me keeping my secret locked in my heart. Sometimes, my heart felt more like a closed fist battling to keep itself closed. It burned in my chest, too. I would stop working and find myself out of breath, gasping for cool air. There were even times when I would have to keep swallowing to prevent words from charging up my throat, into my tongue, and out of my tight lips.<p>

"How can I stop this?" I cried. I would just pause in whatever and, feeling certain Mommy couldn't hear me, scream my please and wait for some response, but a strange new thing happened.

Daddy wasn't appearing.

Neither were any other members of my spiritual family. Only Alphonse was visible and heard, and usually it was to gloat and to irritate me. He would always follow with his complaint.

"I don't like wearing you dress, and I want my amulet back."

Some nights, I practically leaped out of sleep and sat up, a cold sweat over my body, my heart pounding. He was weaving himself into all my dreams, crawling slowly like a worm through my brain. His face was everywhere. Once, I saw a bobcat saunter out of the woods and cross the meadow. When it paused and turned toward me, it had Al's face and it was smiling.

There was no escape. Even the wind began to repeat his complaint.

"I don't like wearing your dress, and I want my amulet back."

The tree branches and their leaves were like multiple hands of symphony conductors moving to the rhythm of that sentence. I would have to stand there with my palms pressed tightly over my ears and wait for the breeze to calm and the chanting to end.

Once Mommy caught me doing this and asked me why I was doing it. I told her I had a buzzing in my ear, and she gave me something to stop an infection from developing. Now, evenings when she played her piano, I pretended to be busy doing something else other than reading. The last half dozen or so times when I was relaxing with her, I didn't see anyone but Alphonse, and all he would do was squat below me and stare up at me with that mean-spirited smile on his lips. It was on the tip of my tongue to shout at him, but I caught myself in time and just rose and went to get myself some water.

He tracked after me everywhere, cloaking himself in shadows sometimes and then just sliding out along the wall before he disappeared.

* * *

><p>Another month passed without anything changing. My appetite went from hardly anything to my sneaking meals between meals. The more weight I gained, however, the happier Mommy was. The woman in me was sinking under the added pounds. Even the postman who saw me occasionally shook his head with disgust.<p>

One result of Alphonse's haunting of me was to make me want to succeed more at doing the things he thought were his things to do. I mastered the use of the chains saw, and I cut many logs. I split them and piled them to dry. I had calluses upon calluses, but I didn't moan and groan. Mommy had good herbal remedies to soothe the pain, and I began to soak in an herbal bath ever night.

It helped me sleep.

Fortunately, she never came in on me, and she didn't see how my waist and my breasts had expanded. She didn't notice the stretch marks or how my ankles were swelling. It was getting more and more difficult to tighten the corset around myself, but it gave me the idea to use one of my grandmother's girdles to keep my swelling stomach from showing. As another precaution, I stopped going places with her. For months now, no one off our farm but the postman and an occasional delivery man saw me. I didn't return to the school either. That was all ended.

"You're at the age where you don't have to attend any school anyway," Mommy told me when I made a vague reference to our failure to appear for my periodic testing. "Who wants those busybodies interfering in our lives? Not me," she answered.

Not me either, I thought, especially not now.

I used to wonder how Mommy could be so contented, living alone as we were. Didn't she miss the company of men, of other women her age? Didn't she want to get out in the world and see what was new in fashion?

Now I thought I understood her better. I didn't wake up longing to leave the farm as much anymore. I wasn't interested in meeting young people my age. After all, look at what that had led to when I had. I didn't even think as hard about the public school.

But I knew my time was running out. Despite all I had done and continued to do, Mommy would soon realize what I realized but refused to acknowledge. Only Alphonse gloated about it, and he would never stop saying, "I don't want to wear your dress. I want my amulet back."

"I can't do it," I shouted back at him. "Why don't you stop?"

He just stared.

Everywhere, he stared and he waited and the weeks went by and I grew bigger.

* * *

><p>One night I woke up absolutely terrified. I had dreamed of Mommy looking at me in the morning and bursting tears and rage and great sorrow, so great, it broke her heart and she died. I would be alone, and because of what I had let happen, no spiritual ancestor would comfort me or care to be in my presence ever again. Where people go when they can't go to the warm, happy spiritual places? What dark hole awaited me?<p>

"I don't want to wear that dress anymore," Alphonse chanted from the darkest corners in my room. "And I want my amulet back." He was on my right, then my left, then behind me, then in front of me. I slapped my hands over my ears, but he was whispering in between my fingers like someone whispering through the cracks in a door.

I threw off my blanket and, dressed only in my stretched pajama bottom and top, I fled the room.

Like a ribbon tied to the back of a car, he trailed along.

I charged out of the house, down the porch steps, and across the yard, not caring about how the small pebbles and gravel tore at the soles of my feet. I went to the barn. I was crying now, the tears streaming down my cheeks.

The sky was thickly overcast. I felt the first drops of rain, but it didn't deter me. I found the spoon shovel, and I rushed across the yard and up to the small cemetery. I was even surprised myself at how well and how easily I moved through the inky darkness. When I reached the tombstones, I saw Alphonse standing there, waiting.

"If I take this dress off of you and give you back your amulet, will this stop? Will I stop growing in my stomach?" I asked him.

"Yes," he said.

I dug the shovel into the grassy earth where I knew he lay buried in my dress. The ground was soft enough, but the work was hard. I dug and I dug with such intensity and determination, I was blind to anything else. I didn't see the light go on in the house. I didn't hear the front door open and close. I didn't see the beam of the flashlight streak over the ground until it found me. I didn't hear Mommy coming quickly. I dug, and then I felt her grab my arm.

"What are you doing?"

"He doesn't want to wear the dress, and he wants his amulet back," I said, looking to where Alphonse had been standing, but he was gone, lost in the darkness.

She shook her head and then lifted the beam of the light so it washed over me. In a moment she saw it all, my bigger bosom, my swollen stomach. I held my breath. My heart seemed to stop. I went completely numb. She reached out and ripped the shovel from my hands.

"What have you done?" she screamed, and then she dropped the flashlight and lifted the shovel with both her hands, raising it to bring it down on me.

I fell to my knees and waited for the blow, but it didn't come.

I looked up and, in the flow of the flashlight at her feet, I saw her frozen, her head slightly tilted, her mouth in a grimace. She was listening, and then she started to nod.

When she looked back at me, her grimace was a smile. She put the shovel down gently, and she reached for me.

"Come," she said. "Come back inside the house. It's all right. It's all right."

I rose slowly and hesitantly took her hand. She saw how frightened I was, and she put her arm around me.

"Everything will be all right," she whispered.

The rain started to fall harder, but neither she nor I took note of it. Without another word, she led me back, her arm around me the whole so she could hold me close. We entered the house, and she led me upstairs to my room. She sat me on the bed, and then she went to the bathroom and got a basin of warm water. She washed my feet, cleaning out any and all scratches and scrapes. Then she helped me off with my damp pajamas and wiped me down.

When that was done, she directed me to lie back. She put her hand on my stomach and stood there with her eyes closed.

"What a wondrous thing has happened," she said.

"What wondrous thing, Mommy?" I asked. How could she see it as anything else but a disaster?

She looked down at me in the strangest way. I felt she was looking through me, not at me. It was truly as If she didn't see me at all.

"Mommy?"

"You'll be fine," she said. "Everything will be fine. They have told me. It will be a miracle."

"What sort of miracle, Mommy?"

"No more questions. Rest and do as you're told," she replied.

After she left, I saw Alphonse gloating in the corner. Why was he gloating?

"What is it? What's the miracle?" I asked him.

He just laughed.

My mind reeled with so much confusion, I felt nauseous. I closed my eyes and tried to meditate, but I heard him come to the side of the bed and bring his lips to my ear.

"I told you," he said. "You can be you."

He was gone when I opened my eyes and turned. There was only darkness. I was never more willing to sink into a pool of deep sleep.

* * *

><p>The next morning so much began to change. Mommy forbid me from doing any of the hard labor. I couldn't use the chain saw anymore, and I couldn't split wood or pile it. Even my gardening work was reduced.<p>

No more digging and bending. No more weeding. She modified my diet and gave me herbal pills she said were important for me, but she had that look on her face again. Her eyes were glassy, far-of, giving me the feeling she wasn't speaking to me. She was speaking to the baby growing inside me.

There were nights when she woke and came to my bedside because she said she had heard the baby crying. I was so confused the first time she did it, I asked her, What baby?

She just shook her head and told me she would make something warm for me to drink, which was really the way to get the baby to drink.

Some nights she would sit there and sing and hum an old folk song designed to calm the baby. She said it would help the baby sleep.

All this made me feel no more important than a wheelbarrow. I soon understood that in Mommy's eyes, I would be bringing the baby to the table or putting it to bed. I would move it out of the hot sun when I moved or cover it to keep it warm and secure when I covered myself.

There was no longer me. I was slowly disappearing, and the baby was emerging.

And Alphonse gloated.

He was always there in some shadow, in some corner, or just walking slightly behind me, especially after Mommy had spoken to the baby inside me.

"When the baby is born," he said, "you're going to disappear completely. And I won't have to wear a dress, and I'll get my amulet back."

Even though I had less and less to do, I didn't feel life was easier for me. Almost overnight, perhaps because I no longer could or had to hide was happening inside me, I grew bigger and bigger.

I waddled when I walked, struggled to rise out of a chair, climbed the stairs slower, and groaned about the pain in my lower back. I saw how it all made Alphonse laugh. Sometimes, his laugh echoed and was joined in a chorus of chilling laughter out of the dark. I felt the chill everywhere. It was colder in the house.

The winter was even more severe than the previous. It was so cold, tears would freeze as soon as they escaped my eyelids. To me, it often looks like the world might crack like a piece of ice.

Mommy thought it was dangerous for me, or more to the point, for the baby, to spend too much time outdoors. We had weeks and weeks of below-freezing temperatures and weeks and weeks of temperatures below zero at night.

I rarely went out of the house and spent hours and hours alone in my room, reading, sleeping, or just staring out the window.

The cold took its toll on everything. Mommy had trouble with our car. One day after she had left to get some groceries, she didn't return until a little after eight o'clock in the evening because some hose or something had broken, and she had been stranded for hours waiting for help and a tow truck and then for a mechanic to repair the damage.

We had problems with our oil burner. The pipes nearly froze, and the snow was so heavy with one storm after another, Mommy had to give in and hire someone to plow our driveway, two, sometimes three times a week.

I recalled how Daddy used to do that with his truck and how Alphonse and I would ride with him, or we would be permitted to drive the little tractor and plow with it, and then how he and I had done it together after Daddy's death.

Toward the end of these severe winter months, we had ice storms and branches cracked on trees continually. The moonlight would dance on the ice bank, creating a dazzling show in the evening, but Mommy called it the "smile of cold Death, gleefully enjoying its triumph over fragile and vulnerable living creatures surprised by Nature's treachery."

Mornings now, I would make little effort to get up. Mommy brought the "baby's breakfast" to me, and I remained in bed until almost midday. I began to hate going downstairs because it meant I would have to walk up. Mommy warned me about being too lazy.

"It's going to make everything harder for the baby," she said. She didn't mention how it would be harder for me. Everything was the baby, the baby.

She didn't seem to notice or care that all this time while I was confined to the house, my hair grew longer and longer until it was down to the base of my neck.

When I knew it was safe because she was busy downstairs, I would go into her room and look at myself in her vanity mirror. I imagined my hair even longer and envisioned how I might cut and style it. Every day, however, I anticipated her realizing and taking the scissors to me.

I tried to keep the baby's kicking a secret. The truth was, it frightened me. One afternoon, however, I had fallen asleep on the sofa in the living room, and the baby's kick woke me with such a jerk. I cried out. She put down her knitting (she was making the baby a hat and gloves) and walked over to me to place her hand on my stomach. She waited, and then her face lit up with more brightness than I had seen in her face for years.

"It's almost time," she said. "It's almost time."

I rarely if ever thought about the impending birthing. It was more as if I believed I would be the way I was forever and ever. The fetus within would never leave me. I tried to learn as much as I could from the books we had in the house, but it was still quite a mystery for me.

* * *

><p>The first time I felt a labor pain, I screamed so hard and so shrilly, I frightened myself. Mommy came running. I was in the kitchen, seated at the table, sipping some tea. The cup fell from my fingers and shattered. I thought she would yell about that, but she didn't seem to care or notice as soon as she realized what had occurred.<p>

She made me walk even when the pain began again. She led me up the stairs and to my room, where she had me lie down. The labor pains stopped after a few more minutes, however, and life returned to what it was.

I hesitate to say _normal_. It was so different from what had been my life, even after Alphonse's tragic death.

The next time the labor pains came, they were accompanied by something even more frightening to me: a stream of water running down my leg. I was standing the hallway, and couldn't move an inch forward or an inch backward. Mommy had been outside. She entered the house and saw what was happening immediately.

At first she started me for the stairway, but the pain was intense now, I couldn't lift my feet to climb the steps, so she turned me to the living room instead. She had me lie down on the sofa, and then she smiled and said, "This is amazing. I just remembered my grandmother Elsie gave birth to my grandfather on this very sofa. There wasn't even time for the doctor to come, and no time to get her to any hospital. Do you sense her?" she asked me with that same far-off look in her eyes. It was eerie. It was as if she was looking at a face behind my face, and all I had was a mask.

All I sensed was excruciating pain anyway. I grimaced and cried out.

"It will be all right," she said, and she went for towels and hot water and one of her herbal concoctions. I heard her mumble about it being something her grandmother had created. I swallowed two tablespoons of it, but I didn't think it did much of anything. The pain only grew worse.

I don't know how long I was screaming. I know my throat became scratchy and my voice hoarse. I drifted in and out of consciousness. At one point when I awoke, I saw the living room was filled with members of our spiritual family. They were all sitting or standing calmly, talking softly and watching me. Behind one of my uncles, more in the doorway, was Alphonse, looking frightened, I thought.

On and on my labor went. Mommy wiped my face with a warm wet cloth, but did little else. And then, right after nightfall, with darkness closing around our house as if some giant had dropped a black sheet over it and the windows, I saw the relatives drawing closer.

"Push," Mommy screamed. "Push, push, push."

I did, and again she screamed, and again I did it. The room turned red. I thought I was looking through some crimson veil at everything and everyone. Even Mommy's face was a bright scarlet. I heard a cheer and a cry of joy, and then there was the sound of a baby's cry.

Mommy worked quickly to cut and tie the umbilical cord. Alphonse, who had edged closer and closer, stood with his eyes so big, they looked like they would explode. Mommy held the baby up for all to see. I saw that it had a full head of black hair, Roy's black hair.

"It's a girl!" she declared.

And then she turned and carried the baby away in her arms, wrapped in a blanket. I heard her going up the stairs. The entire roomful of spiritual relatives followed. Even Alphonse left, and I was alone.

* * *

><p>I fell asleep, or really passed out, and when I awoke, I could see the first light of morning. Every part of me ached. I ached in placed I didn't know I could. Mommy came in with a tray and put it on the small table she had brought beside the sofa.<p>

"You have to eat," she said. "I need you to be healthy and strong."

"Where's the baby? How is the baby?" I asked quickly.

She didn't answer. She left me and went up the stairs. I drank the juice and ate the oatmeal and the toast. Just as I finished, Mommy returned. She was carrying something very strange.

"What is that, Mommy?" I asked immediately as she pulled a chair beside me.

"Unbutton your shirt," she said instead of answering me. "Quickly."

I did as she asked, and she leaned forward and pulled it apart so my breasts were fully exposed. Then she brought the strange thing to my right breast and fitted it over my nipple.

"Just lie back and relax," she said.

She began to pump the bag, and I watched as my milk filled the bottles she attached. At one point I cried out that it was painful, and she went easier and slower. When she was finished, she stood up and turned to leave me again.

"Where is the baby?" I asked.

"Just rest," she told me.

She didn't return for hours. I rose and moved about the room and then, when I heard her coming down the stairs, I went to the foot of them and looked up.

"Go back to the sofa!" she ordered. "I told you to rest."

"But I wanted to see the baby," I said.

"Not now," she told me, and she physically turned me away from the stairway.

She made me stay in the living room to have my lunch and even my dinner. I wanted to go up to my room, but she told me I couldn't climb the stairs yet. Periodically, over the following day, she brought back the pump and filled the bottles with my milk.

* * *

><p>One night I rose and went quietly up the stairway. I wanted to change my clothing, to bathe and freshen up. I saw that her bedroom door was closed. I listened, and then I went into my room, took a shower, and changed into a fresh pair of pajamas. I saw no reason why I couldn't sleep in my own bed now, and I did just that.<p>

In the morning she came rushing into my room, her face full of rage.

"I told you to stay downstairs," she cried at me. I wasn't even fully awake.

I ground the sleep out of my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows. She was hovering over me and looking so furious and so strange, I was frightened.

"I needed to get clean and I wanted to sleep in my own bed, Mommy," I said.

"I don't want you up here. Get dressed and go back downstairs," she told me.

I heard the baby crying.

"Can I see the baby first?"

"No,: she said. "Go downstairs!" she screamed.

After I dressed in a fresh shirt, underwear, and pants, I went out and paused in the hallway. Her bedroom door was shut tight again. I waited for a moment, and then went downstairs and fixed myself some eggs and toast. I was very hungry. She appeared and made me take some of her pills again.

"Why can't I see the baby, Mommy?" I asked her, but she didn't reply.

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon, she did a very strange thing. She wheeled the old television set into the living room and hooked it up. I watched in amazement. Suddenly, my watching television didn't matter. She was no longer worried about what harm it could do to my studies or anything.<p>

"Amuse yourself," she said. She made it sound like an order. Then she left me again. For days afterward, she continued to bar me from going upstairs. She brought clothing down to the living room for me. She insisted that I eat my meals there. And periodically, she brought in the pump.

She spent little or no time with me, barely speaking to me when she was around. I was desperate to see the baby, of course, and not seeing her filled me with a painful emptiness, but I realized there was something more.

Ever since the baby's birth, I had not seen Alphonse, nor any other family spirit. Even the soft sound of whispering was gone. When I turned off the television set, except for the sounds of Mommy moving around above me or the baby's crying when I could hear it muffled by the walls, there was cemetery quiet. Every corner of the house, every shadow, was empty.

With Mommy ignoring me except when she wanted to pump my milk or when she brought me something to eat, I was never more alone, and my desperation to see the baby grew stronger and stronger until I could think of nothing else.

Hours at a time, I'd wait to hear the sound of the baby's voice, and when I heard Mommy's footsteps on the stairway, I rose eagerly, praying that she was finally carrying the baby down for me to see, bt she never did.

On the one day Mommy left the house to get things she needed, I went upstairs and hurried to her bedroom door. I heard the baby. She wasn't crying, but I could hear her making baby sounds. I tried the doorknob, but found the door was locked. It was frustrating and brought tears to my eyes. I tried to talk to the baby through the keyhole and even tried to get a glimpse of her, but I saw nothing that way.

When I heard Mommy drive up, I hurried downstairs again. I offered to carry in groceries for her, but she told me to just return to the living room. She didn't want my help.

"But I'm going crazy in there, Mommy. I need to have things to do. Why can't I see the baby? Why can't I help you?"

She didn't respond. She worked on putting away her groceries, and then she went upstairs. I returned to the living room, where I sulked and stared blankly at the television set. Even though it was a novelty for me, I was unable to keep myself from thinking about the baby and what Mommy was doing with her upstairs. I saw that it was taking a toll on her as well. She looked more tired, more haggard, every passing day.

And all this time, not a vision, not a voice, nothing. I began to wonder again if I had ever seen or heard anything spiritual. It had all been a hallucination, something Mommy had caused with her secret potions, maybe. Alphonse spoke to me only in my mind, after all. It was just my conscience or my fears. I was not special. I had inherited no powers. Perhaps Mommy finally realized that, and that was why she was being to indifferent to me now.

Finally, a good two and a half weeks after the baby had been born, Mommy came downstairs and prepared my supper, served it to me, and then went to have her own. I ate and listened hard because sometimes I could hear the baby's cries better now.

Sure enough, she began to cry and then cry harder. I anticipated seeing Mommy come quickly down the hallway and go up the stairs. It did no good to follow her because she would turn on the steps and chase me back. This evening, however, she did not come down the hallway and hurry up the stairs at the sound of the baby's crying.

I rose and cautiously entered the dining room. I saw her sitting at the table, only she had her head down on her arms and she was fast asleep. Taking the greatest care I could, I tiptoed up to her, and then as gently as I was able to, I put my hand in her apron pocket and brought out the key to her bedroom. She didn't budge. I saw her breathing remained regular, subdued. She was in a deep sleep. Perhaps she had passed out just as she had done long ago. I couldn't help but take advantage of this great opportunity.

I moved as quickly and as quietly as I could down the hallway and then p the stairs. At the top of the stairway, I paused to be sure she had not waken. All was quiet below, but the baby was crying harder behind the locked door of Mommy's bedroom. I inserted the key and entered.

Mommy had set up a crib right beside her bed. Her bed was unmade, and her room was messier than I had ever seen it. It was actually in disarray: clothing scattered about, diapers piled on the vanity table, some dishes with food from days before lying on tables, and even some dishes on the floor.

I went quickly to the crib and looked down at the baby. For a moment I thought something was wrong with her, and then I realized what it was.

Her hair dyed my color. She no longer had black hair. I got over the shock of it quickly and lifted her into my arms. It was obvious she was hungry. I glanced around to see if Mommy had left any bottles, and then I thought, how stupid.

I opened my shirt and brought her lips to my nipple, and she began to feed, her eyes on me with what I thought was great excitement and contentment. It brought a smile to my face. I sat in the chair beside the crib and watched her suckle.

Shortly after, I felt a dark shadow fall over us, and I looked up to see Mommy standing in the doorway. She looked angry enough to lunge at me, but she didn't move.

She just watched and waited for the feeding to end. Then she walked calmly across the room and gently took the baby out of my arms, cupping her in her own. Her face blossomed with happiness.

I was trembling inside, but she didn't notice. She never even looked at me. She rocked the baby in her arms until the baby's eyes closed, and then she placed her back in the crib and covered her little body with the tiny pink blanket.

I stood up and watched over her shoulder.

Finally, she turned and looked at me.

"You have to go back to your room," she said, "and wait until you're needed."

"But Mommy…the baby's hair. Why did you dye it a different color?"

She shook her head as if she had hear pure gibberish and smiled at me.

"I didn't dye her hair, silly."

"But…it was darker. It was-"

"Of course it wasn't," she said sharply and turned me to walk out of the bedroom.

She practically pushed me into the hallway and started to close the door.

"Mommy, why are you keeping me away from her?" I bawled, my eyes awash in tears.

She held the door halfway closed and gazed out at me for a long moment.

"It's not time for you to be with her yet."

"But there's so much more to do. Don't we…shouldn't we…I mean, she has no name."

Mommy smiled.

"Of course she has a name, Alphonse," she said.

She started to close the door again. I put my hand out, and she looked at me.

"What's her name?" I asked.

"Her name's Ella," she said.

And she closed the door.

* * *

><p><strong>Please review! ^_^ <strong>


	14. Epilogue

Not long after Mommy stopped using the pump and the baby was put on Mommy's special formula-the formula she had used for both Alphonse and me-I was able to tighten the corset around myself well enough to hide my curves and bosom again. I did not lose weight quickly, and only a few pounds at that after all. My face was still chubby. I wasn't happy about it, but I could see Mommy was pleased. She even told me to go up to her room and cut my hair.

I sat for almost an hour staring at myself in her vanity mirror, dreaming of my hair flowing freely down the back of my neck like some of the women I had read about and had seen on television. Finally, she called up to me because she wanted something done, so I had to bring the scissors to my long strands, chopping away until my hair was close again and the fantasy gone.

She wanted me to help her with baby Ella, and I was afraid if I didn't do exactly what she asked me to do, she wouldn't let me near the baby. In time she permitted me to hold Ella or feed her and change her by myself.

"It's no shame for a big brother to help out," she said.

It didn't matter what she said as long as I could do it. Those hours were my happiest. I was pleased just to be in the same room and watch the baby sleep. As soon as the black would star to get more prominent in the baby's hair, Mommy would wash in her dye, and it would be returned to my color. Usually she did it at night after I had gone to sleep. No one else would have known anyway.

Even though no one other than the postman or utility man came to our farm, Mommy was very careful about when she would take baby Ella outside. No one in the world but us knew she had been born.

"When the time comes, we'll reveal her," Mommy said and added, "when they tell me."

Everything we did in our lives now emanated from those famous three words: they told me. New ideas, changes, anything and everything, came to us from the whispers that rained down from clouds only Mommy could see. I hadn't seen or heard anything from the spiritual world for so long, it all lodged in the back of my mine like some dream I had years and years ago, and I began to suspect more and more that it was all just hallucinations.

Together in our secret world, Mommy and I watched baby Ella grow stronger and more alert. When she began to crawl and be at things constantly, Mommy gave me more to do with her until I was spending most of my day minding her. There were some close calls when the man who read our electric meter monthly saw her and then when we had a seed delivery and the driver surely heard her crying.

But no one came to inquire about her. I used to think the Mustangs, who still lived next to us, and how surprised Mr. Mustang would be if he ever learned he was a grandfather. Would he be angry or happy about it?

Baby Ella was certainly a beautiful baby. How could anyone not be happy about her? She had the same gold eyes, which Mommy expected her to have and which helped support what she had been told, of course. I could see baby Ella wasn't just alert, too. She was bright and very curious about everything she saw or heard.

When she stood up and then tottered, but then stood up again and again until she could do it well enough to take a step at eleven months, Mommy was convinced she was a blessed child.

This is not someone we can keep a secret forever, I thought, but Mommy wasn't a bit worried about anything. She had such trust in her voices.

Where were they? I wondered again and again. Why had they gone for me? Were they every with me? Or was it all just as I had feared: something I wanted so much, I made it happen?

I did my work. I sat with baby Ella in my lap in the evening, and we listened to Mommy play her piano. I read more when I could, and I waited.

What was I waiting for?

The following spring I began to take walks in the woods again, but for the longest time, I avoided what had been my special place. Finally, I got enough nerve to go there, and when I looked at it now, it seemed so innocuous, so common to the rest of the forest. There were many places where the pine trees shaded the ground and where the ground was matted in a carpet of fallen needles and smelled as redolent and fresh as this one, I thought.

And I thought, The truth is, all our special places come from inside us. Something within makes them special for us, and when that changes, they change. Beauty surprised was the most impressive because of what exploded in our hearts when we confronted it, whether it was an unexpected waterfall, a doe, a beautiful bird.

Once we had seen it and seen it again, it was still beautiful, but it was different, as different as a magnificent animal stuffed was from the animal or a painting of a beautiful place was from the place itself. Something of it was captured forever, but it would never be what it was in the beginning, that first time.

I wanted to tell Mommy that all this awareness had come to be without my being told, but then I thought, Maybe that's where the spirits really are, inside us. Maybe she was right, and maybe when we realize it, surrender to it, believe in it, they appear.

Had I ever really believed, or was I like Alphonse, skeptical? Sometimes desire can be greater than the thing itself. You make it into something beyond what it is, and then you suffer when you face reality. Was it less painful to never fantasize, never believe, and never be disappointed? Or was that an empty life, a life with shadows that never took any form, clouds that never had any interesting shapes, winds that were only winds and carried no voices?

What would be baby Ella's world, her choices, her visions?

Once late afternoon, that time when daylight is caught for a final moment under the impending curtain of night, that special time we call twilight, Mommy permitted me to take baby Ella outside for a little walk. This time Mommy didn't come with us as she always did.

For a moment that made me hesitant. What had she been told? Why was she not accompanying us outside?

We had left the house. Baby Ella clung to my hand and looked at everything with dazzling eyes. I had no special direction in which to walk the baby, but for some reason, we turned right and slowly made our way to the little cemetery. The moment she saw it, she was intrigued.

When I let go of her hand, she entered and went straight for the tombstones. She paudes, looked at them, and then she reached out slowly and put her tiny hands on the embossed hands of Infant Jordan.

I watched, mesmerized.

She turned to me, keeping her hands pressed to the stone, and she smiled. Had she felt them move?

I held my breath and watched.

And then I felt something, some warm touch on the back of my neck, and turned toward the oncoming shadows marching out of the woods and toward us, slowly bringing the stars out of the sky with every step they took.

Leading them was Daddy. And Alphonse. And all our spiritual ancestors. They were coming to make us a family again.

They were coming to welcome me home.

* * *

><p><strong>I will be writing the sequel soon, so keep looking for 'Hidden Secrets'. Should be out within the week! :)<strong>


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